


The Top Gear Coda Compilation

by Ymas



Category: The Grand Tour (TV) RPF, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Episode Related, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2020-09-19 06:48:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 30,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20326867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ymas/pseuds/Ymas
Summary: Coda writing for TopGear episodes.I'll start at the beginning. See where it goes.I'll try to make every coda stand alone, so that they can be read individually, but the plan is to loosely string them together. Gen for starters, might rock up.Edit 19/12/30:Put the rating up to M, mostly to be on the safe side with language and crude jokes and stuff. If there's serious smut, there will be a note at the beginning of the chapter. RL wives and kids will be mentioned and might make appearances here and there... I can't go 170+ episodes without them.Chapters are named after the "official" episode titles according to topgear.com. Except for when the thing in the title isn't even mentioned in the story, in which case I put the official title in brackets.





	1. S01E01 - The legacy begins (and Stig cheats a speed camera)

**Author's Note:**

> I want to shout out a big fat _**THANK YOU**_ to [delighted](https://archiveofourown.org/users/delighted) once again. She's the one who makes me write. She's the one who tells me to just try, to just start, to just have fun and see where it goes. She's the one who (often in the middle of the night) pep-talks me and tells me not to give up. And I can count on her to help me out whenever I get truly stuck.  
And all of that is way before she reads through everything I write if I want her to, and is my cheerleader, and _just makes writing fun_.  
I'm so, so lucky.  
But: I don't ask her to read through _everything_ before I post, and even if I do, I don't always listen to her, or make changes later, so all mistakes are clearly mine!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Series 1, Episode 1:  
The first studio filming. Jeremy is kind of smitten with one of his new co-presenters.  
(Little reminder: it's Clarkson, Hammond, Dawe. James only joined in Series 2).

Jeremy jogs from the old airport hangar, where they have set up their brand new studio, over to the old portacabin, where they have set up their brand new ‘production offices’. He got held up making some last-minute changes to the set-up with Andy, and now he’s running a little late.  
  
Jason is leaning against the stair rail, obviously waiting for him.  
  
“Have you seen Richard already?” he asks, when Jeremy draws close.  
  
“No, why?”  
  
“Chequered. Pink. It’s either what he thinks of as muted or he slept through the briefing.”  
  
Jeremy almost laughs, continuing up the stairs with Jason trailing behind him.  
Yes, they’d been instructed to wear “muted colours, hold it on the patterns”. He has no idea if Richard really didn’t listen or if he’s simply being rebellious. Given the fact that this is his first TV appearance (Jeremy refuses to count the satellite crap), Jeremy can’t quite believe either. He probably just wants to attract attention and look good.  
  
They enter their dingy little presenter’s room and there he is, half-swallowed by the couch, nervously sorting through his script.  
And yes. The shirt is indeed a bit eccentric. Especially for a car show.  
But it _does_ look good on him.  
The director will hate it.  
  
Jason stands behind the couch, looking at Jeremy expectantly.  
Jeremy glances between them, between Richard, looking bright and eager and energetic, and Jason, calm and serious in all-black.  
  
“Nice shirt”, he eventually settles on. “Bit late for starting to learn your lines now, though, don’t you think?”  
  
Jason rolls his eyes but turns to the kettle to make a final cup of tea without saying anything.  
  
“Oh, nonono”, Richard says, bouncing out of his seat and over to Jeremy, shoving a sheaf of paper under his nose. “No, look, here, I talked to Brian, we changed the camera angle! I will do my introduction while filmed from above, from the ceiling! I need to make sure to stand in the right place and know where to look!”  
  
“Why would you… never mind.” Jeremy takes the proffered cup of tea from Jason, then goes to retrieve his suit jacket from the rack in the corner. “Make-up, guys, come on, the ladies are waiting.”  
  
Richard is like an overexcited puppy, makes Shandra mess with his hair far more than the length of it even remotely justifies, pretends to get all offended by her suggesting he wear eye-liner before conceding remarkably quickly, and talks her into letting him have a tub of her moisturising cream.  
Jeremy can’t help but find it all extremely endearing.  
  
“Didn’t do much make-up on satellite, did you?” Jason asks.  
  
“Nah, mate, would have had to do it myself. That would have been a bit camp, you know?” Richard replies gamely, all fascinated by the lip-gloss Shandra applies.  
  
“As opposed to when someone else does it”, Jeremy chuckles, letting Mariah powder his face.  
  
“Absolutely.” He looks at himself in the mirror, then turns to Andy who’s just entered the room. “That’s amazing! Do I get to do this every week, now?”  
  
Jeremy and Andy look at each other, at Richard, at each other again, and burst out laughing.  
After a second or two, Jason joins in.  


* * *

  
  
  
Richard’s introduction is filmed from above. His shirt makes the image flicker.  
  
He falls over his seat trying to join Jeremy for the News. Repeatedly. They call it a take the first time he only _nearly_ falls over it.  
  
He is noticeably nervous during the News but does a good job of hiding it. And of talking the news, too. Jeremy is tempted to go off the script a couple of times but refrains (well, mostly), certain that it will be only another episode or two until Richard will be comfortable with it.  
And then it’s Richard who catches him off guard, mumbling an unscripted quip about computer-animated sports, which makes Jeremy snigger. The boy is good.  
The only thing Jeremy will have to teach him is to be more confident about his ad libs.  
  
Then it’s recording lap times and Richard giggling “Jeremy, I can’t get ‘Lamborghini Murcielago’ on this” and Jeremy knows for a fact that this kid will have not only the female viewers wrapped around his little finger.  
  
He does the Used Car News with Jason, and it’s good.  
No, really. It is.  
He’s a funny bloke, that Jason.  
Solid and dependable. Delivers his lines on the spot.  
  
This has the makings of a good show.  


* * *

  
  
  
Jeremy watches the episode with Francie when it airs on the BBC.  
  
“Oh, wow, you’re completely smitten with that guy”, she says.  
  
Long before they get to the point where Jeremy looks at Richard with an embarrassingly soppy smile for failing to write ‘Lamborghini’ on the lapboard.  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. S01E02 - The one with a bus jumping some motorbikes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second studio filming. Jeremy realises something. So does Richard.

They have a hard time finding an audience for the second recording. At least the Subaru owners’ club is there. And a bunch of kids they make out to be a Ford RS fanclub.  
Jay Kay is a fantastic celebrity guest, though, and they have a couple of nice VTs.  
And Richard’s shirt is considerably tuned down (the studio director has had a word).  
  
So Jeremy can’t quite say why filming the second studio episode starts out even more awkward than the first did. It’s probably because the BBC was, somewhat unexpectedly, rather happy with their pilot episode and they now have to live up to that.  
  
Jeremy gets through the intro with Richard and Jason mostly looking on, standing awkwardly in shot. He’s glad when it’s time for the first film.  
  
They have Richard already sitting in his seat for the news segment today, so they save time on takes which they are sure to lose later for Jason’s ‘Used Car Bargains’. Because that bit, as rehearsals have shown, is far too lengthy and wordy. They’d tried to cut it down somewhat in the hour between rehearsals and filming, but, as it turns out, Jason is not one for last minute changes.  
  
But the news comes first and Jason joins them this time and while he doesn’t contribute much, it makes for a nice show of unity and team spirit.  
  
Richard is far more relaxed than last time, joking and quipping and even ad-libbing a little bit. Jeremy plays off it and it’s what he does best, what he likes best.  
He dares to dial up his own antics somewhat and Richard reacts easily, naturally, goes with it, and when Richard laughs, so does the audience, and Jeremy discovers this is all he needs to do. It’s all it takes.  
Make Richard laugh and everything else comes together by itself. Automatically.  
They are halfway through, and he genuinely enjoys himself.  
He breaks his seat, he imitates Germans, Richard giggles, the audience roars with laughter, Jason joins in with both laughter and some talking, and it’s exactly how Jeremy had imagined this segment going. Three mates talking bollocks about cars.  
He grins at Richard and Richard grins right back.  
  
Richard’s Ford Escort review is great and Jeremy tells him so. It makes Richard blush very attractively right up to the roots of his hair and beam all over his face.  
Pity Jeremy does it during the film and the cameras don’t catch it. It would have been one for the female audience.  
  
There’s some car licking, some humiliation (yes, it does sting that his Liana-lap time gets beaten in the second episode already, what the fuck?) and a bus jumping over bikes.  
  
Jeremy calls it a win.  
  
The backlash comes later.  
  
“Jeremy, I can’t sit next to him, he’s huge!” Richard declares, eyes glued to one of the screens re-playing the recording.  
  
It’s always Jeremy. Jason is ‘Jay’ or ‘mate’. Andy is, well, ‘Andy’. ‘Boss’. Brian is ‘B’. Porter is ‘Rich’.  
But Jeremy is ‘Jeremy’. Always. Jeremy doesn’t even know why that irks him so much. It’s his name, after all.  
  
“What are you talking about, mate?” he asks, putting his headphones down.  
  
Richard accusingly points at the screen. “He’s King Kong. He’s bigger than you are. I can’t even be seen properly, sitting behind him. It doesn’t work.”  
  
Jeremy looks around. Is glad that Jason is nowhere to be seen. “Richard, the news was much better with all three of us there. I’m heading it, I’m sitting opposite. Period. What do you want?”  
  
There’s a flash of something defiant in Richard’s eyes. Jeremy half expects him to challenge the set-up, challenge the notion of who’s heading what. After a second he visibly bites down on it though, shrugging and turning to the screen again.  
Jeremy is almost disappointed.  
  
Richard watches the tape for a couple of minutes, chewing on his lower lip, then tries again. “Seriously, Jeremy. Don’t make me do that. Don’t make me sit behind him. I know I’m tiny, but don’t put it on display like that. It’s not fair. I don’t want to do it like this.”  
  
Jeremy sighs. He knows height (or lack thereof) is an issue for Richard. It’s why Jeremy doesn’t joke about it. And yeah, Richard has kind of drawn the short straw, being thrown in with two co-presenters both bigger and taller than the average guy. “Anything you want to suggest?”  
  
“…I could at least switch places with Jason?”  
  
Jeremy watches them on the screen, considering it. He does see Richard’s point. Jason is a big bloke. Takes up half of the image. It’s not ideal. But on the other hand…  
  
“Rich…”, he glances around the room, at the technicians finishing up with their stuff, then grabs Richard by the elbow and drags him out of sight and out of earshot.  
  
“Now, this is between the two of us”, he says, when he is satisfied that they can’t be overheard, “because I don’t do favouritism.” _‘At least not outwards’_, his mind supplies, unbidden. “But I work better with you than I work with Jason. Trust me Richard, I have a sense for these things. I know what works and what doesn’t. And you and I, we do.” _‘And Jason and I, we don’t’_ is left unsaid. “I need you there in that seat. Opposite me and next to that monitor. Or this section of the programme won’t work. I can’t do it alone and I can’t do it with Jason. I need you for that.”  
  
Richard stares at him, dumbfounded.  
Yeah, the kid probably thought he was just along for the ride for his good looks or something. Oh well, to be honest, until a couple of days ago Jeremy had pretty much thought the same thing.  
  
“This is not a one-man show, Richard. I need you there and I want you there.”  
  
There’s a pause.  
Richard swallows hard.  
“Okay”, he says and it sounds rather awed.  
  
Jeremy claps him on the shoulder. “I’ll tell him to sit back in his seat more, alright?” he calls over his shoulder, already walking out of the hangar to find Andy.  
  
They’ve got things to discuss. Richard needs more screen time.  
  
More importantly: he needs more screen time with Jeremy.  
  



	3. S01E03 - The one with the grannies doing donuts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A seed of doubt.

The studio bits of episode three start as a complete fail in Jeremy’s opinion.  
  
The news comes first and while Jason does try his best to lean back in his chair so the view of Richard isn’t too obstructed, it’s far too short to make anything fun out of it.  
Jeremy’s talk with the car designer, which seemed interesting and varied on paper and during rehearsals, drags on for far too long. Jeremy can literally sense the audience fidget. Not that there’s much of an audience in the first place, they still have to almost bribe people into coming, but well. The hairs on the back of his neck rise from all the impatient stares he knows are directed there, and it’s not good.  
  
At least Jeremy quite likes his own Mini review film.  
And Richard’s piece about the Citroën DS is fantastic.  
  
And then Richard surprises him with a cheeky “I won’t like it” when Jeremy says he will later show him what _he_ thinks is the best looking car in the world. “I don’t care what it is, I won’t like it. On principle”, Richard smirks mischievously, and for a moment there, Jeremy can’t think of a comeback, just looks at him for a stunned second and then at Andy who’s bowled over with laughter behind the cameras.  
The director calls for a cut. Richard’s microphone hasn’t been working properly.  
  
“Good one, mate”, Andy chuckles, pointing at Richard. “Do it again, just like that!”  
  
Of course they don’t manage. They need six more takes until Andy deems it good enough and still Jeremy would have preferred to do one more, and maybe another one after that. He knows it still sounds stilted.  
But he also knows they will never manage to recapture the perfection of that first botched up take and that they need to factor in time for the Used Car News.  
They need to move on.  
  
Jeremy hasn’t seen the ‘Grannies Doing Donuts’ vid yet, not in its entirety, as it was one of those last minute things. There had been heavy rain on the originally scheduled recording date and while that might have made things more exciting, the BBC (and Andy) had decided this approach didn’t work for elderly ladies. Jeremy had eventually seen reason, and so the recording had been postponed to the day before yesterday and the film had come out of edit this very morning.  
Richard had turned up at BBC White City at 5am this morning, to finish voice-overs. Which might explain why he’s looking slightly pinched and pale.  
  
The first part of the vid is funny enough and Jeremy finally gets into the groove.  
For the first time today he thinks that maybe, if they are lucky, the episode might not be a complete write-off.  
  
Ross Kemp is a pleasant guest, the audience interaction goes down quite well.  
  
And then it’s time for the Used Car News.  
  
The big change in this episode is that Jason is doing it with Richard instead of with Jeremy. Mainly because, well. More screen time for Richard.  
But also because Richard is far more patient with all the re-takes Jason needs, helping him with his lines and giving him cues during takes. Just being gently encouraging throughout.  
They are probably bonding over the fact that they are both new to presenting, Jeremy thinks, watching them with a tiny pang of jealousy.  
  
Then it’s on to Ross’ lap and thank god Jeremy’s time doesn’t get beaten _again_, and then the second part of grannies doing donuts.  
It’s hilarious and impossibly sweet and Richard presents it with an enthusiasm that’s contagious. Jeremy resolves that they need more of this. More pointless fooling around, more letting Richard loose, more letting Richard play.  
  
Things are so relaxed after that piece, the outro and subsequent intro to the Westfield against Zonda lap are a hoot, a total success, even though Jason forgets to put his script down.  
Richard, on the other hand, does the whole thing by heart without stumbling even once and when they move to have a look at the car, he banters on easily, veering far off the script in places. Jeremy is so proud. He knew Richard would work out. He just knew it.  
  
The two of them continue talking rubbish during the Stig’s Westfield lap, Jeremy’s mouth moving on autopilot and it’s all very funny until Jeremy hears himself say “You’re not tall enough. You’re nowhere near tall enough to know!” It’s out before he manages to stop himself because damn it. That was the one thing he didn’t want to joke about. The one thing Richard is touchy about.  
  
And Richard? Richard laughs. Winks at him, and laughs. “I’m gonna mention power to weight again in a minute, Jeremy, you wait for it!”  
  
And then the bloody Westfield wins and Richard is all bouncy, writing out the lap time and taking the piss a little bit and Jeremy’s belly goes all fuzzy and warm inside, because after a very weird start, this recording will end in the best possible way.  
  
“And on that bombshell…”, he starts the sign-off, and it’s not something he’d planned to say, but it seems appropriate after a 7.3-litre-engined Zonda got beaten on the track by a 1.2-litre-engined Westfield.  
Richard interrupts him, as was the plan, with showing Jeremy’s car drawing to the audience, and it’s only when Jason gets to mock him for it that Jeremy realises that while the man has been standing next to them the entire time, he hasn’t gotten a single sentence in since the end of the Used Car News.  


* * *

  
  
  
“Do you still think Jason was the better choice than James May?” Jeremy asks the next day, chin propped on his hand, watching the raw edit back with Andy.  
  
He remembers how everyone but him had wanted Jason. How he had been the only one to vote for James May at first, earning funny looks from the BBC executives.  
James May, who hadn’t even really bothered to actually audition. Who’d waltzed in, told them all where exactly they could stuff their pre-arranged screen test bits, talked rubbish about his Rolls and waltzed out again.  
  
Oh, the potential Jeremy had seen in that. But of course he’d been the only one.  
Everyone else had been miffed at the fact that James had practically boycotted the audition and no one had made an effort to see past that. To see a man who thought outside the box, had the ability to stick to his views and, most importantly, was a natural bollocks-talker with a wry sense of humour.  
  
Jeremy had ranted, and campaigned. Had dug out videos of James on old Top Gear (okay, that maybe hadn’t been the best move), examples of his witty writing, and got someone from AutoCar to relay the exact circumstances of his firing.  
Andy, being the good old friend that he is, had, while not entirely convinced, eventually changed sides. “I trust your gut”, he’d said. “We’ll get James, if you’re so sure about him.”  
  
And that should have been enough.  
Only it wasn’t. Not for the BBC.  
  
In the end they’d had to count themselves lucky to get Jason, their runner-up choice, and not be forced to take a random girl.  
There had been fantastic girls at the audition, certainly, but none of them had quite gelled with Jeremy.  
  
“You need to give him time. He’s never done any presenting before, let alone on TV.”  
  
They are re-watching the last minutes of the show and there is a deep frown line on Andy’s forehead. He’s seeing it, too.  
  
“Neither had Richard”, Jeremy says. And it’s dangerous. He knows it’s dangerous. A dangerous train of thought. A seed of doubt, threatening to grow. He shouldn’t go down that road, especially not this early in the series. It’s not fair and thoughts like that won’t make things any better. Jason deserves a chance.  
  
“He did radio”, Andy reminds him. “And he’s a natural charmer.”  
  
The footage ends. They sit in silence for a bit, looking at the blank screen.  
  
“You and Richard, you eclipse him”, Andy says eventually and Jeremy laughs out lout.  
  
“What, with his size?”  
  
“You two cancel him out, Jezza. You don’t leave him any room. At all. He had actual _lines_ to say there, during the Zonda/Westfield bit. You two didn’t even give him a chance to butt in. He is not as quick thinking on his feet as you two are. You need to be careful. It’s unfair to him and not good for the show.”  
  
“That’s exactly the point”, Jeremy says. “Do we want improvised banter or do we want to rattle out scripted lines?”  
  
Jeremy knows what his answer is.  
And he can’t shake the feeling that James May would have been better at it.  
  
“All I want is a good show and not to get axed after series one”, Andy says. He sighs. Huffs. It sounds… resigned, almost. “Do you think you can do that, Jeremy?”


	4. S01E04 - The one with the Nissan Skylines (and Damon Hill and the Aston)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jason finally gets a film segment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This series will most probably be on hiatus until about the end of the year. I will be travelling and won't have access to any of the old TG-episodes.  
I'm still having an extraordinary amount of fun with it and am far from done! (Just so that's clear ;-) )

In episode four, Jason finally gets his own VT-segment.  
  
It's very short notice.  
Nissan calls them up when Jeremy and Andy are in the BBC White Offices, doing grown-up worky stuff.  
  
They can have the new Nissan Skyline, the R34 generation, and any older version they might want.  
If, and that's the trade-off, if they air the segment in the very next episode, in time for the R34 launch.  
  
Jeremy hangs up the phone.  
  
Andy squints at him from his desk across the room.  
  
"We get the new Skyline”, Jeremy says, almost bouncing in his seat. “But we need to film something with it tomorrow!" His hand is already back on the receiver.  
  
Andy scowls.  
  
"Come on, man, you sort out the film crew, I'm calling Richard!" He starts dialling.  
  
Andy glares.  
  
Jeremy slowly puts the receiver back on the cradle.  
  
"No?"  
  
"No, Jez."  
  
"…Jason?"  
  
“Yes, Jez. If you want to at least keep up appearances, then yes, Jez. Jason."  
  
Jeremy's enthusiasm is immediately dampened.  
Ideas, already half-formed in his mind, vanish into thin air.  
He tries to catch them, hold on to them, but he can literally feel them dissipate in a swirl of distorted colours, leaving nothing but a blank space.  
  
"Yes", he says. "Jason it is. Of course."

* * *

  
  
  
Jason sounds… eager. Relieved and happy and grateful. And also a little bit wary. As if he half-expects Jeremy to reveal that it's a prank at any moment  
  
It makes Jeremy wonder how much of an arsehole he really is. Almost makes him feel guilty (if feeling guilty were a thing he did).  
He shrugs it off, asks Jason to come into the office immediately to get a script done and resolves to write him a couple of extra lines for the first studio segment about the Aston and the Ferrari instead.  
  
Andy is already on the phone getting the track and filming sorted out.

* * *

  
  
  
Surprisingly, the first one crashing through the door is Richard, skidding to a halt in front of Andy's desk.  
  
Christ, the kid can never do anything slowly.  
Jeremy hides a smile.  
  
"Mate, Jason called me, you gave him the new Skyline?"  
  
Andy points at Jeremy. Richard spins around.  
  
"Jeremy!" It's still Jeremy. It's always Jeremy. "You gave it to Jay?"  
  
Jeremy bites down hard on the urge to apologise. "Yes. You already have the sports saloons."  
  
Richard looks confused for a moment.  
"Oh! Nonono! I mean, of course I would have loved to drive it, but Jason will be so much better! We can have him compare the R34 with the 33 and the 32 models and then we could blend seamlessly into a Used Car News just about old Skylines and what to look out for if buying one used!  
  
Jeremy gapes at him.  
So does Andy, but he recovers quickly, scrambling for a piece of paper and starting to scribble furiously.  
  
"What are you doing here?" is the decidedly not very intelligent question that leaves Jeremy's mouth next.  
  
Richard looks uneasy. "Uh, Jay rang me. Don’t get me wrong, he's really excited. But also a bit worried because it's such short notice. He rang and asked if I would help." He shifts from foot to foot. "Uhm… I'm sorry if I assumed... I'll just go."  
  
He's already half turned around. Jeremy's brain still hasn't quite caught up.  
Luckily, Andy's has.  
  
"You will do no such thing", he says sternly. "You will sit down right now and tell me more about that idea of yours."

* * *

  
  
  
Jason arrives shortly after and in less than an hour they have a full script. Not only for the review but for a Jason/Jeremy used Nissan talk to follow it.  
  
Richard beams proudly when they canter through it a first time.  
And rightly so, because most lines have come from him. And they are good, too.  
  
It’s tea after that and then Jason and Richard disappear into a focus room to rehearse Jason's lines.  
  
"Thanks, mate" Jeremy hears Jason say before they round the corner. "If you're at the track tomorrow, you can have a go."  
  
He looks up from his own script and is met by Andy's challenging look.  
  
Jeremy catches the tiny spark of jealousy that flares within him at the thought of Richard and Jason together at the track tomorrow, catches it before it turns into a proper flame and moulds it into gratefulness at the fact that they are finally bonding.  
  
"Yes okay, Wilman. You were right. Satisfied?"  
Jeremy flips Andy off, which only makes him grin more smugly.

* * *

  
  
Filming goes quite well.  
  
Richard's choice of shirt almost gives Brian, the studio director, a heart attack.  
It's shockingly hideous.  
But Richard _owns_ it.  
Jeremy is in awe.  
  
Jason's VT is _very_ good.  
  
The following used Nissan talk works exceptionally well, too, considering the long lines Jason has and the little time he had to rehearse them.  
Jeremy is careful to stick to the script so as not to throw him off, and he manages. Well, not entirely, but mostly. In any case, they ease through the talk on far fewer than Jason's usual amount of re-takes.  
  
The news, which also contains today’s ‘official’ Used Car News, is a tiny bit stilted. Richard is obviously trying to hold back and give Jason more space. Jeremy wonders if it was Jason himself who said something or if Andy has had a word.  
Either way, Richard consciously gives Jason ins and barges in less and while Jeremy isn’t sure how much he likes it for Richard’s sake, it helps the segment as a whole. Jason gets to take part, there is more balance, and that was the goal.  
  
Jeremy is proud.  
Of both of them.  
Jason wasn't such a bad choice, after all.

* * *

  
  
  
Francie laughs when Jeremy excitedly tells her he's going to build a budget Bond car with Richard.  
  
"Not getting over your man-crush anytime soon, I take it?"  
  
Jeremy tackles her to the bed and kisses the giggle right out of her.  
  
"Maybe so, but my wife-crush is exponentially bigger!"  
  
They both know Jeremy is partial to slender, delicate features and a pert arse.  
  
And some cock, now and again.


	5. S01E05 - The one with the budget Bond car

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clouds on the horizon.

Brian has been very stern about Richard's choice of shirts.   
  
For the filming of episode five, he turns up in tame beige and high-waist slacks in jeanslook.  
  
“Why do you look like a waiter in Magnum P.I?” Jeremy asks and mentally kicks himself less than a second later. He needs to remember that he and Richard aren't friends. They don't interact with each other outside of work and Jeremy can't be sure how a jab like this will go down. Which isn't something Jeremy would usually care about, but upsetting the balance just before filming might not be the best idea. And if working on the self-made Bond car together has taught him one thing, it's that Richard has quite the temper.   
  
“Asks the man who looks like he just stepped out of Absolutely Fabulous”, Richard shoots back.   
  
Jeremy is wearing an unusual shade of shiny blue going on turquoise. Francie had picked it out.   
  
“Uhm -” Richard backpedals immediately. “I mean it looks - very nice, actually. Sorry.” Obviously he's even more unsure about where they stand with each other off-camera than Jeremy is.   
  
Jeremy looks in the small mirror Richard has fixed to the portacabin door way back on day two of studio filming. Yes, he undeniably looks a bit 90ies. He’d probably better wear his leather jacket for filming. “Wait til you see the one I’m wearing in the Merc-vid”, he chuckles. Another pick of Francie’s.   
  
Richard grins, relieved. “I’ll make sure not to hold back on my opinion.”  
  
“Well, don't expect any mercy from me in the future if you don’t.”   
  
Richard laughs and flips him two fingers. “Heya, Jay!” he calls, passing Jason on the steps as he bounds down them in search of Shandra, who will happily if unnecessarily mess with his hair to his heart’s delight.  
  
Jason looks after him, then at Jeremy. “Did he just flip you off?”   
  
“Yep”, Jeremy beams, delighted by the fact that Richard did. Flipped off his quasi-boss. That he’d felt comfortable and secure enough to do so.  
  
“He's alright, but still such a child”, Jason mumbles, busying himself with the tea set.   
  
It's not the first time that it seems like Jason is trying to bond with him over the fact that they are both older and more mature than Richard.   
  
Jeremy doesn't think it's working. Thinks that he might be, however, in the process of bonding with Richard over the fact that they are both less mature than Jason, instead. 

* * *

  
Episode five is the first one Jeremy is really, genuinely happy with. It's great.   
  
The intro is good.   
  
The first film where Jeremy fights with the Merc’s voice control is, judging from Richard's (and, in extension, the audience’s) reaction, a hoot.   
  
This is followed by some genuine car facts, a flawlessly delivered little piece about the new Jaguar XJ from Richard, some very scripted banter that loosens up tremendously when Richard pretends to get stuck on Jeremy's comparison of the Jag to a lobster. The face he makes while disbelievingly repeating the word ‘lobster’ not once, not twice, but three times, tugs at the corners of Jeremy's lips, and he almost laughs out loud. He's sure Richard would be able to keep it up, and with a straight face at that, for quite a couple of repetitions more. Jeremy isn't sure he himself can, though, so he quickly transitions through some audience interaction into the news.   
  
The news segment is fantastic.   
  
Jason still keeps the whole fucking script in his hand the whole time, while Jeremy and Richard work from a single sheet of paper with a couple of bullet points, but that's ok. He delivers the intro on point, Richard gracefully slides into his seat without stumbling over it or breaking anything, and then they are off on first take.   
  
They have fun. They mock the Americans a little, and the environmentalists, then they get a bit of a conversation going. Well, Richard and Jeremy do, mostly, as Jason is already concentrating on catching the right moment to transition out.   
Which he does, if barely.   
  
The intro to his little Peugeot 206 film isn't as smooth as it could be, but the film itself is good. Jason has proven himself on that front.   
  
Jonathan Ross gives Jeremy a run for his money. Keeps him on his toes throughout. He’s funny and witty and it's a challenge to keep up with him. Jeremy has to work very hard to keep control of the conversation.   
  
He's having a blast.   
  
And a very hard time not to burst out laughing when Ross teases him about his shirt.   
  
Especially because Richard bounces delightedly up and down behind the cameras at that, just on the edge of Jeremy’s field of vision.  
  
Richard looks ridiculously small in the huge Mercedes Maybach, but it's a brilliant VT and he's obviously having the time of his life.   
  
It's also he who’s doing the dreaded Used Car News with Jason again. And again, Jason has the whole script printed out and in his hand and they still need almost an hour’s worth of re-takes.   
  
“We need to cut this down”, Jeremy says to Andy, watching from the sidelines as Jason takes a sip of water, re-reads the script, then goes again.   
  
“It's a good segment”, Andy says. “It's the only one of our features that is actually helpful to the viewer.”  
  
“We’re not doing him a favour.”  
  
Andy looks at Jeremy, then at Jason taking it from the top – one more time. “If we lose it, what will we have him do instead? He’s the used car guy.”   
  
Jeremy doesn't have an answer.   
  
At the very end of the show, Richard presents the self-made Bond car he and Jeremy have built with the help of Edd China and his team. And, like with the Grannies doing donuts, this is where Richard shines_. Sparkles._  
  
He's a good presenter. He delivers both serious and funny reviews with equal professionalism. He is capable of delivering long, convoluted sentences without stumbling even once. That piece he did with the Formula 1 Sedans for the last episode, where he walks casually down a line of seven cars, constantly talking and timing it so he's always right next to the car he's talking about, without a single cut, that's pure art (neither Richard nor the crew had disclosed how many takes he'd needed, but even if it were a hundred, it's a remarkable feat).   
  
But this is what he was born for, clearly.   
  
This is what he’s meant to be doing. 

* * *

  
  
“This”, Jeremy says, sitting in the edit suite next to Andy, pre-watching the finished episode that will air later tonight on BBC2. “Exactly this. We need more of this. More bollocksing around. More of Richard bouncing around like a puppy on speed. It works. This is where we’re different from all the others.”  
  
Andy doesn't answer.   
  
“We don’t even have to script it much. We’ll just give Richard some bonkers stuff to play with and he goes all enthusiastic and just like that”, Jeremy snaps his fingers, “we have the most hilarious segment ever." He snorts, watching Richard do just that. "He's so spontaneously funny, it's catching.”   
  
Andy still doesn’t answer.   
  
Jeremy turns towards him. “What's with the constipated look, Wilman?”   
  
Andy sighs. “They didn't like it.”   
  
“Who?” Jeremy knows who he must be referring to, logically. But it makes no sense. This is brilliant, the viewers will love it.  
  
“The brass. We got the slot as a car show. I was told to make sure it _stays_ a car show.”  
  
Jeremy gapes. “But this is our best episode, yet! We're shaking things up!”  
  
“In no uncertain terms, Jeremy.”   
  
  



	6. S01E06 - The one with the grannies again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of something big.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, I put the rating up from G to M. At the moment I think it's a T max, but I generally suck at rating and I don't want to think about it or about what expressions to use while I'm writing. If there's serious smut I'll put a note on top of the chapter but I don't think that will happen for quite a while yet.
> 
> Been also heatedly debating (with myself) about how much RL-family to bring into it, but I think if I want to keep going for 170+ episodes, I <strike>need some added drama</strike> can't avoid it. So yes, there will be mentions of wives and, eventually, kids.

“Good news!” Andy walks into the meeting room with Ben Joiner in tow and slaps an envelope on the table. It's Saturday, but they are so behind schedule they are either in the office or at the track every day now. “The camera crew is fed up with filming in November fog. Ben here says the light in Portugal is perfect this time of year. So who fancies an impromptu business trip and a spin in a BMW Roadster?”  
  
Jeremy, Jason and Richard look at each other, at Andy, back at each other again. It's been cold and grey and nasty for days on end. Portugal sounds fabulous.   
  
“You’re leaving tonight”, Andy clarifies. “Coming back on Tuesday afternoon. Plenty of time to make it to the studio filming on Wednesday.”  
  
“It’s Francie’s birthday tomorrow”, Jeremy says slowly.   
  
“Yes, right, I knew that. I have a card.” It's obvious that he didn’t. And hasn't. “Jezza is out of course. Gentlemen?”  
  
Richard and Jason look at each other.  
  
Richard looks like he’s almost jumping out of his skin from suppressing the urge to climb onto his chair and shout “pick me, pick me, pick me!”  
It's obvious how much he wants to, but that he feels like he needs to give Jason the opportunity.   
  
It's a jarring realisation. Something is wrong with them as a team. Something is very wrong with their balance.   
  
“Today?” Jason asks.   
  
“Yes. You have time enough to go home, pack a bag, get to the airport.”  
  
“Is there a script?”   
  
Of course that would be Jason’s first question, his biggest concern. And it’s fair, really. An obvious question. It makes Jeremy’s teeth grind, anyway.   
  
Andy taps the envelope on the table. “There’s half a script. You can finish and fine-tune it on the plane.”  
  
Jason fidgets, looking uncomfortable. “It’s. Uh. Very short-notice. I’m not sure…”   
  
“I can do it!” Richard finally blurts. He is quivering with excitement. Doesn't even glance at the script.  
  
“Fine by me.” Andy shrugs. “You live in Gloucestershire, though, right? Might be a little tight to drive all the way there and back to pack your stuff.”  
  
“That’s alright, I’ll just hit the shops, it’s fine, I’ll manage, no worries!”  
  
Jason glances at Richard’s hand and Jeremy’s gaze is drawn to the wedding band on his fourth finger. He doesn’t know much about Richard’s private life, but even Jeremy would have had to call Francie first, before agreeing to a trip as spontaneous as this.   
  
“Right.” Andy turns to Ben. “Richard it is, then. Put your own crew together and let Jon know the names so he can sort out the flights.”   
  
Ben grins and he and Richard high-five. ”See you at the airport, mate, don't forget your sunglasses!” he calls on his way out the door.   
  
“Well, that's sorted, then. Jason, you take Richard’s segment with the grannies.”   
  
Jeremy’s stomach plummets to his feet.  
  
“Script is already written, not that there's much of one anyway, but make sure to adapt it so it fits you.”   
  
Jeremy has been so preoccupied by the proceedings, by the lost opportunity for sun and good food and by the realization that their team spirit is off, he’s completely forgotten about the upcoming filming with the grannies. They had invited them back. To try handbrake parking this time.   
The perfect segment for Richard.  
Just perfect.   
  
Jeremy turns to Andy, opens his mouth to protest. Andy shoots him a warning glare and Jeremy shuts it again. What would he say, anyway? With Jason present? That he doesn’t think Jason can do it? That Richard would do it much better? That Jason would fit better in a BMW Roadster? Because that… isn't actually the case, either.   
  
Richard rummages in his bag and pulls out his dog-eared script. “They are amazing ladies, Jay. You’re gonna have a blast. Say hi from me and tell them I’m sorry I couldn’t make it this time, ok? And take good care of Sadie!”  
  
Jason nods, looking slightly dumbfounded. He probably hadn’t seen this coming, either.   
  
Richard snaps his bag closed. “Can I go, then? I think I need to call my wife and do some shopping!”  
  
Andy waves him off. “Yeah, sure, get!”  
  
Richard waves at them, almost bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Right then, hasta la vista, catch you Wednesday, enjoy the gloom!”  
  
“Richard!” Andy calls him back, chuckling at his enthusiasm. “Put the stuff you buy on expenses, alright?”  
  
Richard gapes.  
  
A warning index finger. “Don’t overdo it. And I want the receipts.”  
  
Richard snaps a salute. “Yes, sir!” And he’s off.   
  
Andy laughs. “Why do I get the feeling that this is his first business trip?”  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
All throughout Monday morning, the day Jason films with the grannies, Jeremy is a nervous wreck. He doesn’t even quite know what he’s waiting for, but he feels disaster might strike at any moment.   
  
He is pretending to put together a little additional studio segment for himself and Richard. Andy had been sceptical after the talking-to he’d gotten last week from the brass, but Jeremy had assured him that the focus would be on cars. Real, proper cars. Fit for a car show. He’d relented, eventually.  
  
After all, both Andy and Jeremy agree that they need to play more with Richard’s biggest talent. Which is loosely scripted to entirely unscripted banter and being charming and adorable in front of a live audience.  
  
That last part, of course, they hadn’t said out loud to his face.  
  
In the afternoon, he can’t pretend any longer and drives out to the track.   
Andy is there already and together they watch the grannies taking turns over and over again and Jason doing a marvellous job at being supportive and motivating and cheering them on and doing one flawless piece to the camera after another. It’s great. He’s doing great.   
  
“See?” Andy says. “We’re underestimating him. He’s good. We just need to make sure he doesn’t get swallowed up by Richard. Or well, you and Richard.”  
  
Jeremy nods, and remembers how he'd wanted James May. Maybe the BBC and Andy and everyone else had been right all along. Because for the life of him he can't see peculiar, proper James May doing something like this. And it's a good segment. It would be a shame not to have it.   
  
He retreats to the presenter’s room to properly attend to the new Cool Wall segment. Actually write it, this time, do some research. Not just pretend to.   
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Richard’s flight on Tuesday is first delayed and then cancelled. He arrives on Wednesday, just in time for rehearsals and in a too large shirt. Brian the studio director looks at him, clearly decides it’s not worth saying anything, and sends him into make-up. Andy laughs, Jason rolls his eyes and Jeremy follows him with the Cool Wall pictures. Of course he’d emailed his ideas to Richard on Monday evening, but he needs to make sure Richard is comfortable with everything.   
  
They go through the cars Jeremy wants to cover while Shandra gets excessively busy with creams and lotions and product. They establish their positions, make sure their opinions differ enough to be entertaining, and pretty much leave it at that. They are out of time, anyway.   
  
It works out beautifully and not scripting it is the best decision they could have made. It’s easy, unconstrained fun. They string a couple of fixed points together, mainly so as not to get lost time-wise, but in between it’s spontaneous, unscripted banter and even a little audience interaction.   
  
“Can I just pull up your boyish enthusiasm here, Jeremy?” Richard says and Jeremy grins, because he’s one to talk.   
“I just noticed, under _‘uncool’_, that’s a Ferrari 360, Jeremy.”  
“You’re not gonna… Jeremy! It’s ridiculous!”  
Oh yes, the constant ‘Jeremys’ bother him more every week. But other than that, it’s fantastic.  
  
He watches the VT of Jason doing handbrake turns with the grannies and flips off Andy's ‘I told you so’ face.   
  
Tara Palmer-Tomkinson shakes up the ‘Star In A Reasonably Priced Car’ segment and then Jeremy presents his own beloved Mercedes SL55 AMG on the track.  
  
He signs off on a bombshell, or rather, he wants to, but Richard interrupts him. The cheeky sod has actually digged up the top ten gay cars and is now gloating at the fact that both Jeremy’s Mercedes and the Jeep Wrangler Jeremy likes so much are in the top five. Completely without Jeremy having known it was coming. Richard has probably spent too many hours bored in an airport.   
  
Jeremy is torn between awe at the fact that Richard dares, amusement at the way Richard is presenting it, and unease at the fact that it hits much closer to home than Richard is hopefully ever going to be aware.  
  
Jeremy’s bisexuality is not exactly public knowledge.   
  
And then it gets worse. They have given his baby to the Stig! To drive around the track! At high-speed!! In the freaking wet!!!  
  
Jeremy is on edge throughout the lap and even though he is a little proud at how well the Merc did, it’s not a lie when he says he’s not happy. Richard pulls an adorable puppy dog face when Jeremy says it’s the end of the show _and _his life, but it’s not quite enough to appease him.   
  
“Hammond, you owe me a pint or three!” he calls, as soon as they are out of the studio and free to go. Relatively. But sod Andy, his debriefings can wait. He’d been in on it, after all.   
  
Richard giggles, but it sounds slightly nervous.  
  
“I’m serious, mate. Now.”  
  
“Now?”  
  
“Now.”  
  
“Come on, Jeremy, I haven’t been home for days…”  
  
“And stop calling me Jeremy!!” It comes out rather more forcefully than is in any way justified, but Jeremy is fed up with the formalities. The man has just called him out for being not quite straight, has conspired in stealing his car, has teased him over his choice of shirts and which cars he thinks are cool. He deserves a nickname like everyone else, for heaven’s sake.   
  
“Whoa, okay. What _should_ I call you?”  
  
Jeremy sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “Never mind. Let’s have a beer, come on. I’ll drive us to the pub in my gay icon.”  
  
Richard doesn’t protest further.   
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Richard slams a pint down in front of Jeremy.   
  
“So what's got your titties in a twist, eh Clarkson? Have I hurt your delicate feelings?” He’s obviously decided offence is the best defence.   
  
“Oh, it's Clarkson now, is it?” Jeremy snaps.  
  
“As I’m obviously not allowed to call you Jeremy anymore, yes, it is!” Richard snaps right back and no, this is going nowhere good.   
  
“Richard, what are we?”   
  
That stops Richard short. “Huh?”   
  
“Am I your boss, are we co-workers, are we friends? What? Because I know nothing about you and you know nothing about me and we are moving into territory here that might be a little tricky under the circumstances.”  
  
Richard looks at him in wide-eyed understanding and crap, the kid is sharp.   
Jeremy has revealed too much already. Well, no going back. He rakes a hand through his hair, dragging it down over his face.   
  
“What I'm saying is this: I’ll take just about anything from my friends. And I'm more than happy to add you to that list. But we should probably get to know each other a little better before you spring any more stuff like that on me and I don't think that should happen in front of a camera, the getting to know each other.”  
  
Richard looks down at his pint, lost in contemplation. He dips his finger into a little pool of spilled beer on the table and doodles a penis. It’s a mindless, unconscious thing, and Jeremy finds it as adorable as it is funny. He chuckles, reaches over and draws a bigger penis next to it with his own condensation-damp index finger. Richard snorts and looks up, straight into Jeremy’s eyes. “I’d quite like to be added to that list,” he says earnestly, and without breaking eye-contact erases Jeremy’s penis-drawing.  
  
It’s impossible not to recognise it as a challenge. Jeremy smiles at him and time stops for a moment. The air is so heavy with the sense of new prospects hovering just out of reach, it’s hard to breathe.  
  
This the beginning of something big.  
  
There is no doubt about it.  
  
“You’re doing the Saab voice overs on Friday, right?” Jeremy thinks he even sounds slightly out of breath, from the heavy sense of anticipation he’s just experiencing. “I’m at the track with the Lotus, what about we have dinner at mine afterwards? You and your wife…”  
  
“Mindy.”  
  
“You and Mindy. Francie would love to finally meet you in person.” He doesn’t say why, of course.   
  
Richard smiles brightly. “I’ll ask her if she’s free, but I think that should work.”  
  
Oh god, Andy is going to kill him. He should invite Jason along at the very least.   
  
“Good, I’ll call you later tonight about details. And as for being on that list - Fair warning, mate: I give as good as I get.”   
  
“Yeah, you’ve got quite the reputation.” Richard raises his glass. “On getting as good as giving.”  
  
“And giving as good as getting.” Jeremy mirrors the gesture. “Cheers, mate.”   
  
“Cheers, Jeremy.”   
  
“Rich?”   
  
“Yeah?”   
  
“Don’t call me Jeremy.”   
  
  



	7. S01E07 - the one with the fastest faith.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Different ideas about what a show should be leads to different ideas about who should be presenting said show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates will probably slow down again, now that the holidays are over and RL bares its fangs at me ;-)

Andy doesn't kill him.   
  
He doesn't do much of anything, in fact, except sigh and ask: “Are we even still trying, Jez? To make it work, make Jason a part of the team?”   
  
“He _is_ part of the team!” Jeremy protests indignantly.  
  
Andy levels him with a gaze.   
  
“Argh!” Jeremy throws his hands into the air dramatically. “I can't just force being friends with someone I have nothing in common with!”  
  
Andy gathers up his laptop and a stack of documents. “You could have made an effort, Jezza. You can't be friends with someone you don't know. Or, well, you could have _not_ made an effort with Richard, and not be friends with either. I don't know. And frankly, I don't have the capacity to deal with it right now." He shakes his head and walks out of his office, disappearing down the corridor for his twice-weekly meeting with the head honchos.  
  
Jeremy sinks down in Andy’s chair and picks up a pen and a couple of magazines. Instead of marking off possible topics for the news, though, he just sits, tapping his pen against the desk.  
  
It's true, he hasn't handled this very well. He could - _should_ \- have handled it better. This is adult life. He has responsibilities now. He is these guys’ boss, even if their contract is with the BBC. It’s his responsibility to treat them right, treat them equally.   
  
A voice in the back of his head tries to point out that part of that responsibility might also be to recognise if something isn’t working and let it go. But he silences it. It’s not the case anyway, is it? It works. They work. That last episode was really good. Viewing figures are steadily rising. This show, this concept, it was his idea, his and Andy’s, and Jeremy still believes in it.   
  
It will work.   
  
It will be a good show.   
  
Maybe if they just… tweak the dynamics slightly. Use Jason for VTs, the Used Car News. Stop forcing it, stop forcing him into spontaneous studio stuff. Of course that hadn't been the plan, the plan had been to create a threeway dynamic. The possibility of two ganging up on one. Three different standpoints. Discussions.   
  
But even if it's just two, it can still be a good show. Him and Richard fooling around, Jason doing the more serious bits. Less airtime. But he would probably benefit, too. It would be easier on him, maybe he can grow into it, eventually.  
  
The pen snaps. Jeremy curses, aims for the bin. Misses and curses some more.   
  
Jason is a good bloke. It would all be so much easier if he weren't.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Andy comes back with storm clouds on his face and an armful of letters.   
  
Jeremy takes one look at him, gets up and closes and locks the door.   
  
“What?”   
  
“They didn't like Richard's little gay joke last week and they don't like our upcoming race of religions.” Andy throws the letters onto the desk. “These are the complaints we got for last week’s show alone. And those are just the ones that came in via old fashioned snail mail. We’re supposed to respond in kind.” He air-quotes. “Swiftly, appropriately and personally.”   
  
Jeremy looks at the stack of letters, trying to decide where to start with processing the information. The show. Always start with the show. “We can't blow off the Fastest Faith, it's already filmed and I announced it last week!”   
  
“I know, I told them so.”   
  
“And?”   
  
“We’ll do it.” Determined. Final. He ignores Jeremy’s assessing look and starts going through the post, ripping open envelopes, scanning letters and sorting them into piles.   
  
“Gimme those,” Jeremy snaps. “The boychild is with the in-laws. Francie and I are bored with just the girls home, might as well take care of it.”  
  
Andy huffs and drops into his chair, burying his face in his hands. “Jeremy, I don't know if we'll get a second series. I really don’t think they’ll give us a second series, actually.”   
  
Jeremy freezes. For a long moment, there is silence.   
  
It wouldn't be a disappointment.   
  
No, it would be a disaster.   
  
They have a lot riding on this, he and Andy. Money, reputation, careers. Blood and sweat and tears invested, figuratively spoken. And literally, too, on occasion. Not to mention the people they’d brought in with them, the few but precious bunch who’d trusted them when they’d presented their idea of a revamped TopGear. Who’d left secure jobs to be part of it, who are relying on them.   
  
Almost the worst thing though, for Jeremy, is the idea of admitting defeat. Of all the people gloating. Everyone and their mother had felt the need to tell him that it was a doomed endeavour. That reviving an already dead car show into the environmentally-conscious mood of 2002 was bound to fail. Especially if headed by a school-drop out and his former sidekick in crime.  
  
They can’t fail. Jeremy knows his ego couldn't take it. And that may be the wrong motivation, but he also knows himself well enough to admit it’s true.   
  
_Andy’s _ego might be able to take it, but his financial situation wouldn't.   
  
Jeremy looks at his friend, who’s slumped in his chair looking rather desolate and defeated, and he knows he will fight for it. For his own ego, for Andy's paycheque, for Richard's dream, for Jason’s chance.  
  
He has always trusted his gut and his gut still says it’s going to work out. The viewing figures are already well past three million. The audience seems to like them, no matter what the BBC and the complaint letters say.   
  
“It will be alright,” he says, giving Andy a matey slap on the back. “’We’ll go together to the next meeting, I’ll set them straight.” Andy looks up, alarmed. “I’ll be on my best behaviour, I promise. I’ll charm them with my captivating personality. It’ll be alright, trust me.”   
  
Andy laughs. “Bloody Nora, Jez. How do you manage to be so optimistic and carefree, always?”   
  
“I’m not.” He turns serious. “But I trust us, Andy. We might not know what we're doing, but if I know one thing, it’s that we're good. And even better together.”  
  
“Oh.” Andy stares at him, clearly torn between laughter and hitting him over the head. “Well, that's alright, then. How lucky. I’m glad. That's one of us at least.”  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
They make a good show again, Jeremy thinks. A very good show.   
  
Richard’s yellow shirt meets with Brian’s approval for once, and him driving to work in a Saab 9-3 while “following the government's official guidelines on commuting in an eco-friendly manner” is a hoot. Jeremy loves that he doesn’t always see the finished VTs before the studio filming. It had bothered him in the beginning, but he trusts Andy and his editing skills. And, to be completely honest, seeing them for the first time together with the audience, and, more importantly, with Richard next to him, bouncing on the balls of his feet and shooting him sideways glances, lighting up like a Christmas tree whenever Jeremy so much as smirks, is just so much better.   
  
The live camera over the M4-bus lane and inviting the audience to shout out when they see a bus coming is risky. Jeremy’s idea, of course. It had made Richard giggle and launch into an entertaining rant about bus lanes in general. Jason had shrugged and murmured something non-committal. Andy had looked unsure but Jeremy had reassured him later, in private, that if actually a bus appeared when Jeremy was in front of the camera, he could carry them through the scene easily, no matter the constellation or situation. He’s also quite confident Richard could manage and well, they’ll just have to hope it won’t happen when Jason is alone. Or, well. Cut it later. Andy had grumbled a little about taking too long to film as it is, but had relented eventually. He knows a good idea when he sees one.  
  
The first time they get interrupted is just after the Saab segment and he and Richard manage it smoothly. Well, Richard is a little startled as he’s just about to explain why he forgot to review the car and all he can think to say in the first moment is “good lord”. But Jeremy takes over with a quick quip which Richard smoothly acknowledges before moving on, and no one will even notice the tiny little hitch.   
  
This is only the seventh time Richard is presenting in front of a live audience and he’s acting like a fucking pro. Jeremy doesn’t know who he’s more proud of: Richard for doing it, or himself for finding him among the thousands of applicants for the job.   
  
Jeremy’s Mercedes comes up again in the News and Jeremy feels the need to reinforce that yes, Richard really had stolen it. Well. Taken the keys without permission while Jeremy had been in a meeting and handed them to the Stig. Who hadn’t needed to be asked twice.   
  
It’s funny, really: the thing which people believe proves the scene had been faked is the exact thing that proves it _wasn’t_ faked: Jeremy had (in an obvious manner, he’d thought) changed the number plates on it for the road test as the last thing he wanted was half of Britain recognising his car on the motorway. Something neither Richard nor Andy, the Stig or any of the crew - no one involved in the prank - had thought of doing for the lap.

  
Richard makes another hard-to-resist puppy dog face when Jeremy calls him out for it but doesn’t apologise. And Jeremy realises, while he’s talking, that now probably even the people who _hadn't _noticed will go back and memorise the number of his licence plate. Brilliant move, Clarkson, just brilliant.   
  
Richard moves on and Jeremy is flailing a little, desperately trying to diffuse, and before he knows it they are discussing if the new Brabus K8 is a gay car or not. Which… yeah. Brilliant. He can see Andy grinding his teeth behind the camera. But they don’t stop, they don’t interrupt the News if it’s not absolutely necessary. It would kill the flow.   
  
They only get interrupted about the bus lane once more, right at the end of the News, not a problem for either of them.  
  
And then it’s on to introducing the competitors of the Fastest Faith race after that. Jeremy has very pointedly avoided asking Andy how expressly forbidden from doing it they are. He’d rather not know and deal with the consequences later.   
  
Jason has a little segment where he visits primary schools to find out which car the future generation thinks is the coolest, and it’s awesome. Jeremy makes a mental note that these are the segments for him. Grannies, children… maybe animals? Yes. Yes, that's where _he_ shines. They can work with that.   
  
Richard presents the Fastest Faith segment (it’s already his third today, fourth if you count the electric car… he has more screen time than Jeremy) and he does so with his usual giddy enthusiasm. It’s absolutely fabulous. Unthinkable to have dropped it.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
The viewing figures are announced early Monday morning and they are their highest yet. Jeremy feels confident when he and Andy step into the office of the department head.   
  
He has clearly underestimated the situation.   
  
There’s some stiff exchanging of pleasantries, Andy gets handed another stack of letters, and then they start picking the show apart. Bit by bit.  
  
Jeremy’s inappropriate laughter at Rick Parfitt’s tale of rolling a Porsche. The many digs at the government. They gay joke. Jeremy’s claim that cars are pretty much the smallest contributors to carbon dioxide emissions - in the world.  
  
And the Fastest Faith. Of course the Fastest Faith. “But look, everyone is having a good time! We threw six different religions together and everyone is getting on brilliantly!”   
  
“And that’s the point of it, really,” Andy says calmly. “Shared interests unite people. _Cars _unite people.”  
  
“It’s a circus. They are dressed up like clowns. People’s religious sensibilities will be hurt and that’s not something to play around with.” Harrold scoffs.   
  
“The whole show is becoming a circus,” Brindley agrees. “We said we’d let you bring in your own ideas, but this is still a car show and it would be very much appreciated if you’d remember it more often.”   
  
“It _is _a car show,” Jeremy objects. “We do several reviews in every episode. If we do _only_ reviews we're back to old TopGear. And there is a reason why that one got cancelled.”   
  
Brindley rewinds all the way to the beginning. Pointedly lets Richard's Saab segment play. “Here we have a car review where the presenter forgets to actually review the car because he gets too caught up ranting about traffic lights and government recommendations for safe and economical driving.”  
  
“We did agree on a certain comedic element, if I remember correctly. That was part of our presentation when we pitched the idea for the new format. I am sure I can find a copy,” Andy says and Jeremy admires how calm he is, how sure of himself and unworried he sounds.   
  
“Besides, there isn't much you can say about a Saab 9-3, really.” Jeremy stops the film with a determined stab at the pause button.   
  
“Maybe it's time we started talking about the presenter line-up.” Harrold again.  
  
“_You_ were the ones who insisted on Jason!” Jeremy explodes. “And he’s doing a good job. Considering the fact that he's never presented before, he's doing an amazing job!” He's suddenly feeling protective. Huh. Who would have thought.   
  
“We’re not talking about Dawe,” Brindley says pointedly.   
  
Jeremy gapes. “Are you out…” A kick to the shin stops him in time. He ignores the offended faces of the two BBC execs and turns to Andy. “But they must be! Richard is the reason half the viewers tune in in the first place!”   
  
“We simply do not think he is the best choice for a factual car programme,” Harrold says. “We’re not saying he’s bad, we just think he would be better suited to one of the independent networks. Daytime television. You know.” A dismissive hand gesture.   
  
Jeremy's head is spinning. Factual car programme? Wasn't it the plan to shake exactly that up a little? Isn’t that exactly what Richard is doing? Young and enthusiastic, bringing a much-needed fresh breeze into a dusty old institution?  
  
“No,” he says, pushing himself to a standing position and leaning heavily on the table. He gives both men a long, hard, and hopefully menacing stare. “No way are we questioning Richard. No way.”   
  
He turns and walks out without looking back, hoping it counts as a dramatic exit but really, he just needs to be gone before he does something stupid.   
  
He walks straight down the corridor, up two floors and starts furiously chain-smoking on the platform of the fire escape ladder. This is his secret spot. Strictly off limits but, exactly for that reason maybe, oddly satisfying. The height helps clear his head. There's usually a strong breeze going which helps him with thinking. And he's always alone. No one else would dare to come out here, either for fear of heights or reprimand.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
No one, except for Richard, that is.   
  
The very last person Jeremy wants to talk to, right now. Bloody typical.   
  
“How’d you find me?”   
  
“Oh, I’ve seen you sneak away a couple of times. I have eyes and ears everywhere, get used to it.” Richard steps out onto the grating without fear or hesitation and curiously looks around. “Nice view,” he says. “Can you point out the landmarks?”  
  
“Sod off.”  
  
Richard laughs. “No way, mate. Who are you hiding from?”   
  
‘You,’ Jeremy wants to say. But he turns his back to the wind and lights him a cigarette. Richard takes it and inhales deeply. They smoke in silence for a long while.   
  
Jeremy lights them both another.   
  
Then, just when Jeremy thinks he’s off the hook, just when the tremors in his hand have subsided, just when he thinks he might have calmed down, Richard nudges his shoulder with his own. “Hmmm? I know it’s not Andy, he’s gone home.”   
  
Jeremy tips his head back and turns his face into the wind. It’s actually nice to have someone there. A solid, reassuring presence that helps ground him. An ally. Someone to share his agitation with. Even if Jeremy can’t possibly tell him the truth. “Just came out of a very annoying exec-meeting, that's all.”  
  
“Uh-huh. Is there something we should worry about?”   
  
_‘We’_.  
  
Jeremy looks at him, thinks about how much Richard has to lose. How much fun he has, how he thrives in the show. His unbridled enthusiasm about literally anything. The thought of him disappearing back behind a radio console or into the ridiculousness that is independent daytime TV is almost physically painful. He’s newly married. Has a little daughter. Just made a down payment for a little house with his first big paycheque. Jeremy knows these things now.  
  
But it won’t happen. They can talk about Jason if they must, but Richard is non-negotiable.   
  
He shakes his head. “Just the usual crap. Meeting with the boss. You know how it is.”  
  
Richard grins at him, the cheeky sort.   
  
“Ah, well. Mine’s not too bad, actually.”  
  
  



	8. S01E08 - the one where Michael Gambon nearly rolls our Liana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James May makes a surprise appearance.

It's Tuesday, the day before studio filming, and Jeremy is going through the Used Car News script with Jason in their White City offices, helping him identify bullet points and anchor sentences. He doesn't look up when Andy walks in.   
  
Richard, who's flipping through the lap times of his white van drivers, does. “Whoa, mate, you look like you need a drink!”   
  
It’s true. It's 10 a.m. and Andy looks ready for the pub. “Word in my office, Jeremy?”   
  
Jeremy nods and makes to get up.   
  
“No,” Richard says.   
  
“Beg your pardon?” Andy asks sharply.  
  
Richard bites his lip. Looks up from under his lashes, a little shy but determined. “If it concerns the show, Jason and I want to know. We deserve to know. Right, Jason?”  
  
Jason fidgets. “I don't think it's our place…”   
  
“Yes,” Richard says. “Yes, it is.” He defiantly looks from Andy to Jeremy and back to Andy.  
  
Andy looks at Jeremy. Jeremy looks at Richard. Comes to a decision.  
He nods, almost imperceptibly, and twitches his head in the direction of Andy's office.   
  
“Right,” Andy says. “Come on in, then.”  
  
They crowd around the little table in the corner that theoretically only seats two, dragging in additional chairs from the main office space they share with Top Of The Pops.   
  
Andy sighs. Richard looks rather green around his nose. Jeremy feels nauseous himself.  
  
"The brass have handed me my arse for your owl-kicking comment, Clarkson, you’ll apologize for that. Properly.” A stern index finger is pointed in Jeremy’s direction. “Don’t give me that look, it’s not up for discussion.” Jeremy isn’t aware he’s giving any particular looks, but whatever. He firmly shuts his mouth. “And then I had a word with Perry. Or rather, Perry had a word with me. He's changed his mind about the ‘anonymous’ in ‘anonymous racing driver’."  
  
Now Jeremy can’t help but laugh out loud. He’d expected so much worse.  
  
"Well, I hope it's in his contract," Richard says carefully.  
  
"Of course it is, we’re not complete morons," Jeremy snaps.  
  
Richard shrugs.  
  
"I don't think we can keep him from 'accidentally'," Andy air-quotes, "revealing his identity if he’s not completely behind the concept. So. Do we live with that risk or do we find someone new?"  
  
"Someone new of course," Richard says, at the same time that Jason says "Who cares about his identity being revealed?"  
  
Richard sputters.  
  
“Mystery captures audience attention,” Andy explains patiently. “We haven't played him to his full potential yet, but I have ideas.”   
  
“So do I,” Richard says, and Jeremy and Andy’s eyes meet, surprised. It’s becoming more and more obvious that Richard is putting much more thought into this whole endeavour than he lets on. Jeremy needs to talk to him about speaking up, voicing his ideas.  
  
“Sure, alright.” Jason shrugs. Game as always, but not particularly interested, not recognising what’s at stake.  
  
“Can’t we talk to him again? All four of us?” Richard asks. “We should show him more appreciation anyway, include him more.”  
  
Andy looks slightly nonplussed at the suggestion, surprised Richard is so invested. Something warm and fluffy settles in Jeremy’s stomach, though. There will be such a change to Richard’s role if they get a second series. He will be in every meeting, he will be consulted about every decision. He will be equal.  
  
When.   
When they get a second series, not if.  
When the second series starts.   
  
“Worth a try,” Andy nods. ”Let’s do that. As you were, then. Richard, you stay and tell me about these ideas of yours.”   
  
Jason makes to get up, but Richard doesn't budge. He pins Jeremy with an intense stare. "There's more, isn't there?"  
  
Andy inhales, wanting to say something, but Jeremy stalls him with flick of his fingers. He holds Richard's gaze. “Yes, there is.”   
  
Jason sinks back down. Andy sighs again and reaches for the bottle of Red Label hidden on the shelf behind some folders.   
  
Now even Jason looks shocked. Richard looks _very_ worried.   
  
Jeremy smiles warily. “Come on, Andy, it's not _that_ bad.”   
  
Glasses appear, a drink each is poured. Richard inhales the scent but doesn't sip. “Well?”   
  
“It’s not that we want to keep things from you,” Jeremy says, swirling the liquid around in his glass. ”We just didn't want to get you worried for nothing.”   
  
Andy snorts.   
  
“Stop being so negative, Andrew. You should know me better than that. They won't get rid of us that easily.”  
  
“There are certain disagreements about the format,” Andy says slowly. “About the amount and quality of car content, mainly. We’re not budging…”  
  
“Much,” Jeremy interjects.   
  
“…but yes, they have threatened to pull us.”  
  
“Which won't happen,” Jeremy says with confidence. He looks from one to the other. Knocks the whisky back. “I won’t lie, though.” He pours himself another, a portion more generous than the last. “They have questioned the line-up.”  
  
“Fuck.” Heartfelt. Richard throws his own liquor back.  
  
“Well, you asked,” Jeremy says.   
  
“Yes, Jeremy, thank god I did. Because, you know, I think it's quite relevant to know I might be without a job by January!”  
  
“Oh, don’t be such a fucking drama queen, Hammond!” Yes. Jeremy is quite well aware it’s the wrong thing to say. But he’s feeling defensive and the words are out before he can stop them.  
  
Richard’s chair scrapes back forcefully, then he’s up and out, the door banging shut behind him.   
  
Jason looks rattled.   
  
Andy pins Jeremy down in a bout of silent conversation. It’s stunning how that works. ‘You go after him, I'll take care of Jason.’  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Jeremy finds Richard on the fire escape ladder, smoking furiously.   
  
“Rich. Relax.”  
  
Richard gets right in his face. It’s a feat worth admiring, really, considering the height difference. Still, Jeremy can't help the smile tugging at the corner of his lips. It makes him think of an angry little hamster.   
  
“Relax? _Relax_, Jeremy? That’s what I’m supposed to do? Do you have any idea what this show means to me? I can't just bollocks it up and happily skip on to the next best thing! There _is_ no next best thing for me. This is the _only _best thing! I have a family to think of and I’m not as conveniently cushioned financially as you are!”   
  
Jeremy isn’t exactly conveniently cushioned either, but he knows he's still much better off than Richard, so he keeps his mouth shut about it.   
  
“I have no intention of letting you go, Richard.”  
  
“Yeah, well, if they pull us you won't have much say in that, will you?”  
  
“They _won't_ pull us! They may be stupid but they aren't _that_ stupid!” Jeremy shouts heatedly. He checks himself, consciously regulates the volume of his voice. “Our viewing figures are great, rising higher every week. And, frankly said, even if they did: you’re associated with me now, you’d easily find something else. I’d make sure of that at the very least!” It’s frustrating that Richard doesn't seem to realise how good he is. Jeremy is convinced he would be snatched up immediately if he became available.   
  
Richard stares at him for a few seconds, then takes a step back and finishes his cigarette, looking out over London. He lights another. Turns back. “You’re an arrogant arse, you know that, right? The world doesn’t actually cater to your whims. And not everyone is as lucky as you are. Not everyone can take chances.”  
  
Jeremy waits.   
  
“Mindy is pregnant again.” Richard whispers eventually. It’s barely audible between a series of deep drags. His fingers shake.   
  
Jeremy steps up close and nicks the packet of cigarettes out of Richard’s breast pocket. He lights one for himself and they smoke in silence for several minutes.   
  
“If the show continues, there’s no way you won't be in it. No fucking way. And it _will _continue. It works. I believe in it, and I believe in us, and I will fight for it.” Jeremy pushes a stream of smoke out of his nostrils into the cold December air. ” I can be very persuasive. And a pain in the arse.”  
  
Richard nods, looking at the tips of his Converse.   
  
After a long while, very quietly: “What about Jay?”   
  
Jeremy very pointedly doesn’t flinch. The five seconds it takes for him to come up with an answer are telling enough, though. “We’re trying.”  
  
“Okay.” It sounds small, timid almost.   
  
“We might have to make some changes and Andy is a little stressed right now. So am I, truth be told. But I'm confident. Trust me, ok?”   
  
Richard nods again.   
  
“Good man.” Jeremy mumbles. And then: “Richard?”  
  
“Hmmm?” Richard looks up hesitantly. Tentatively.  
  
Jeremy grins and nudges his shoulder. “Congratulations on the little hamster.”   
  
A slow smile spreads over Richard’s face until it has taken over, until all the trouble and worry is buried under light and sunshine. Jeremy has to look away or he might go blind.   
  
Or do something stupid.   
  
“Thanks, Jez. It's still very early so don’t go telling anyone, but yeah. It's amazing. Scary, but amazing.” He nudges back. “Thank you.”   
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
“This is why I didn’t want them to know until absolutely necessary,” Andy says in a low voice while the Lada VT is playing.   
  
The filming is _awkward_. Jason seems uber-eager and Richard is nervous. He needed three takes just for the short little link into the Lada segment. He also falls over his chair again, when joining Jeremy and Jason for the news, making them have to start over. That hasn’t happened since the first episode or so.   
  
All throughout the News, Richard is quiet, subdued almost. It might not be immediately noticeable to an outsider, but he’s less bouncy, less enthusiastic, and Jeremy has to work hard to keep things funny, flowy, to keep the mood up. Incidentally, it gives Jason space and, despite his still tight grip on the script, he probably participates more than he ever has in any News segment so far.   
  
He’s caught on to the weird mood and he’s trying.   
  
And that should be good. Great, even. Jason taking up the lag left by Richard being a little preoccupied.  
  
Unfortunately it isn’t. Because Jeremy has to admit that even though Jason catches on, and tries, and says more, he isn’t much help. It’s still Jeremy who carries the segment, carries all the responsibility, has to rely on himself completely. No witty ad-libs he can work from, no covering when he runs out of steam. He’s on his own. And even in his less than perfect state of mind, Richard is more help than Jason is.  
  
Damn. It’s a hell of a time to realise that Jason _really_ isn’t working.   
  
But then it’s Sir Michael Gambon, legend, who almost rolls the car, and Jeremy forgets about pretty much everything else for a while. The man is fabulous.   
  
Forgets about everything until Michael Gambon brings up the Stig, that is. Asks outright if the Stig is Jackie Stewart. And no, they haven’t played much with the secret identity of the Stig, yet. But they’d wanted to, and here’s an opening, so Jeremy takes it. Even though he has no idea where they will go with the figure, if they will even _have_ a Stig by the end of the series.   
  
“I have no idea who the Stig is,” Jeremy says. “But I don’t think it’s Jackie Stewart. He talks with a French accent.”  
  
“Yes, but it’s a put-on accent, isn’t it?” Of course Sir Michael won’t let him off the hook that easily, so Jeremy does some impromptu speculating.   
  
They _really_ need to work things out with Perry, now.   
  
Jason and Richard do the Used Car News and they need an insane amount of takes. As usual, Jason’s monologues are far too long, he just can’t keep them straight. And Richard, who usually gives him cues and eases him through, is very much out of it himself, today.   
  
Andy grinds his teeth.   
  
“I can see clearly, now,” Jeremy mumbles.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
“Right,” Andy says, leaning back on Jeremy’s couch with a beer and kicking his feet up on the coffee table. “Changes for the new series.”  
  
“More improvising, more bollocksing around, more interaction between the presenters, and Jason has to go.”  
  
Andy puts his feet back on the floor and leans forward. “You’re serious about that, right?”  
  
“Yes. You saw us today. He and I, we don’t click. He’s a nice bloke, I like him, but I don’t trust him to carry us through. And I don’t think he’ll get there. He tried today, he really did, but he’s not a natural. I’ll always have to be on guard when working with him, always hold back.” Jeremy shakes his head. “It’s no good.”  
  
Andy nods pensively. “Yeah. I wasn’t happy with today, either. And I see what you mean.”  
  
Jeremy exhales, relieved. “We need someone who can hold their own, challenge me. It’s how I work best.”  
  
“Got anyone in mind?”  
  
Jeremy picks at the label of his beer bottle. Drops the bomb. “Maybe James May is still available?”  
  
“James May.”  
  
Jeremy grins sheepishly. “He was my first choice.”  
  
“Yeah, and you know what the Beeb thought about that, Jez.”  
  
“I still think he’d work.”  
  
“I still think they still think we need diversity. A girl, for example.”  
  
“Yeah, I don’t see that working.”  
  
“Jez…”  
  
Jeremy sighs. “Let’s meet with the brass again, first. And Perry. Take it one step at a time.”  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
The meeting with Perry goes surprisingly well. Yes, he would very much like to be credited. But he also likes to drive fast cars around a cool track, so if it’s either doing it anonymously or not doing it at all, he very much prefers continuing to do it anonymously.   
  
The meeting with the BBC execs is a different story.   
  
It does start well enough, though.  
  
“Here is a prolongation of your contract,” Harrold says, sliding two folders over the table. “We can fit in another series, ten episodes in late spring, early summer.” Jeremy bites back a comment about the expression ‘fit in’, takes his and almost signs on the spot.   
  
“Thank you, we’ll have a look,” Andy says, grabbing it out of Jeremy’s hand and slipping both Jeremy’s and his own into his briefcase.   
  
“And here,” Brindley says, sliding another piece of paper in their direction, “is a list of people who could act as your new co-presenters.”  
  
“Richard is staying,” Jeremy says distractedly, skimming the list. Most of the names are female. Several he recognises from his days on old TopGear. He’s even worked with some of them before.  
  
“No, he isn’t,” Brindley says mildly.   
  
Jeremy’s head shoots up. “You bet he is.”  
  
“Mr Hammond is unsuited to a serious car show. We can talk about Mr Dawe, although we would much prefer if you just started over.”  
  
“Richard is staying. Jason is going. Or we won’t sign.” Jeremy indicates Andy’s briefcase. “I don’t want puppets, I want co-presenters, workmates. Richard can be that, Jason can’t.”  
  
Harrods makes a note in his fancy leather-bound notebook. “So we agree that Mr Dawe’s contract won’t be renewed. Do you want to talk to him yourself before we inform him?”  
  
“Of course!” Andy glares over the table. “Don’t you dare say anything to him before we do.”   
  
“Very well. We’ll wait until after the next show, then. As for Mr Hammond…”  
  
“And you won’t talk to Richard,” Andy says.   
  
“We won’t talk _about_ Richard,” Jeremy.   
  
Brindley shrugs. “We can postpone the confirmation, but the decision is made.”  
  
Jeremy takes a breath, wants to protest, but Andy stops him with a look. It’s all they’ll get at this time.   
  
Harrold nods at the list in Jeremy’s hand. “We would appreciate it if you would pick from that list and run your suggestion by us next week.”  
  
Jeremy puts the list down. “Actually, I already know who I want.”  
  
Harrold’s eyebrows disappear into his hairline.   
  
“James May,” Jeremy says.   
  
Brindley snorts. Honest to god snorts. Jeremy thinks it’s rather rude.   
  
“If we want to appeal to a broader public, we need to diversify,” Harrold says. “I strongly suggest you pick a woman. James May is not an option.”  
  
There is more, but Jeremy can hardly hear it over the rushing of blood in his ears. _He_ is making the show, He and Andy, how do they just get dismissed liked that? There’s talk about ideas for the new series. Andy clearly trying to negotiate for more independence. Not getting anywhere. Perry. Richard again. And then, finally, they are free to go.   
  
Jeremy rushes out of the room and down the corridor, making a beeline for the fire escape ladder. He bursts around a corner without looking where he’s going - and collides head-on with James May.   
  
“Cock!”   
  
“I prefer ‘James’, but I agree with the sentiment.” May straightens his ugly brown suit. Jeremy stares. And stares some more. It must be an apparition. The man looks straight out of one of his children's picture books. A scruffy Spaniel stuffed into human clothing.  
  
“Hello, Clarkson.”   
  
“May,” Jeremy croaks.   
  
And then he’s narrowly saved from blurting out ‘_do you need a job?_’ by Richard Hammond sticking his head out the office door. “Jeremy what… oh.”   
  
Richard's face lights up and he steps out into the corridor, closing the door behind him. “Blimey, you’re James May! I’m Richard Hammond.” He offers his hand. “Nice to meet you! I read your column every week. It's the reason why I even buy Car Magazine. And man, I really liked you on old TopGear, better even than my current co-presenter!”   
  
Jeremy doesn't think Richard knows James had auditioned. Uh-oh. This has the potential to get very awkward very fast.  
  
But James shakes Richard's hand with a genuine smile. “Pleasure to meet you and thanks, but that was a very long time ago. You’re doing quite alright with the legacy, yourself. Although, I've got to say, your opinion on the Z4 Roadster is utterly ridiculous.”  
  
Jeremy watches, incredulous, as the two of them set off down the corridor without another glance at him, arguing animatedly about Richard's BMW review.   
  
Jeremy shakes his head, hoping to clear it.  
  
What the fuck has just happened??  
  
  



	9. S01E09 - the one with a car racing a plane (and a stripped out Jaguar)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A decision is made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy's children make an appearance. They will, from time to time, as will Richard's.  
I won't warn for it after this, so if it bothers you, please don't read.

“You want to do Fastest Faith again??”  
  
It's Wednesday morning and Jeremy and Andy are watching the Stig take Gordon Ramsay around the track.   
  
“Our contract’s in the bag. Let's finish the series with something people are going to talk about.”  
  
Jeremy laughs. “Cunning, Andrew, cunning. Can we get it done in time?"  
  
The last studio filming of the series has been pushed forward to Monday. Because of, well. Christmas Day.  
  
Andy shrugs. "I set it all up yesterday. I have four fresh religious leaders coming down to the track on Friday. And Jason presenting it.”  
  
“You're crazy, Andy. A genius, but crazy.”   
  
They watch Ramsey bouncing over the kerbs and the Stig’s frustrated gesturing.   
  
“Thank you,” Jeremy says, bumping Andy's shoulder.   
  
“What for?”  
  
“Taking chances. Being amazing at organising stuff. Giving Jason a good farewell.”   
  
“Don't be soppy, Jez.” He’s smiling, though.  
  
“It’s probably the Christmas spirit.” Jeremy kicks a pebble onto the track, then looks left and right and jogs to retrieve it. “When are we going to tell Jason?”  
  
“After filming?”   
  
Jeremy nods. “Yeah, I don’t want another disaster like last week. I hope the Hamster has gotten a grip.”  
  
Andy chuckles at the nickname. “He seemed ok when I called him last night.”  
  
Jeremy eyes him warily.   
  
“It’s my job, Jez. It’s my job to make sure everyone is cared for and as happy as they can be.”  
  
“You’re amazing, Andy.”  
  
“I’m serious, Jeremy. Stop it.”  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Francie and the children are at the filming. Emily has been begging for weeks. She is the one most interested in what Daddy does for a living. Finlo wanted to come, too, if only to see the Radical. So Katya stays with Jeremy’s mother while Francie took the two older children to London.   
  
If it weren’t for the overdue conversation with Jason looming large, Jeremy would be outright bouncy. He's showing his family around the studio (showing them _off_, more like) when Richard arrives, his usual charming, excitable self. Fin is a little shy, he'd been on his way to bed when Richard and Mindy had visited a couple of weeks ago. Emily on the other hand greets him enthusiastically and Richard responds in kind, immediately engaging her. He then returns Francie’s warm hug before heading off to make-up. Emily skips happily along behind him.   
  
Jeremy and Richard start off with the people carrier segment and Emily gets her much-anticipated ‘screen time’. Richard is enthusiastic but relaxed and Jeremy is having a great time. Such a great time, actually, he gets completely carried away. And he does it again. A height joke. At Richard’s expense. Despite having agreed, before the series even started, that height jokes are off-limits. Oops.   
  
But who can blame him? Richard ad-libbing “I like ‘em big, I like height” is just… it’s really just asking for a comeback, isn't it? “You would,” Jeremy grins. “I see why you’d like that.”  
  
And Richard, once again, reacts brilliantly. “Yes, I _do_ enjoy that,” he says, gesturing amusingly between himself and Jeremy and the huge car.  
  
“Well, I’m quite used to it, myself,” Jeremy smirks. “But it must be a new experience for you.”  
  
“Oh, and sometimes quite scary, actually.” Richard pulls an adorable little grimace and Jeremy can’t help but laugh. He doesn’t seem bothered, but Jeremy wonders how much of it is his professionalism and how much of it is him feeling genuinely at ease, confident. Then they move on and Jeremy resolves to find out. Sooner rather than later. One way or another.   
  
The News is back to normal, too. Jeremy and Richard quip and ad-lib and talk over each other with minimal involvement from Jason. But Jeremy notices how, a couple of times, Richard very pointedly includes Jason, turns towards him, asks him a question. Richard knows it’s make or break for them both. And he’s trying to help Jason. Thinks there’s still hope. It breaks Jeremy's heart a little.  
  
Richard’s Subaru Forester VT is next and then comes the Cool Wall, which is, without a doubt, Jeremy’s favourite studio segment.   
  
A little arguing with the audience, a little arguing with Richard. A little bit of a hard time keeping a straight face when Richard says “we’ll discuss that one later” and sounds exactly like Francie when they have a disagreement in public. Which usually means she lets him have his way for now but he’s sure to lose the argument later on, so he’d better enjoy it while he can. And yes, Richard has apparently been taking lessons. The cheeky sod moves the M3 from uncool to cool while Jeremy is arguing with the audience about the Ferrari and then realises that Ben on camera has moved the Boxster from uncool to sub-zero and seriously, is everyone intent on boycotting his choices today or what?  
  
They have a vote, but this isn’t a democracy. It's Top Gear. The M3 goes back to where it belongs. Into the seriously uncool section.  
  
The episode ends with the race between the Stig in the Radical and Tom in the aerobatic plane, presented in a thrilling, gripping way by Richard. And it’s amazing. It’s perfect.  
  
It's the perfect episode.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Jeremy is mingling with the crowd, still riding his after-show high when, out of the corner of his eye, he notices Andy disappear into the portacabin with an exec. It takes a while until he manages to disentangle himself and when he finally catches up, the exec is just leaving. They pass each other in the doorway with a terse nod.   
  
Andy stands at the window, staring out at the track.   
  
“We can't let Jason go just yet.”   
  
Jeremy steps up close to him, brushing their elbows together in what he hopes is a supportive gesture. “What is it now?”   
  
"They are trying to force someone of their choice on us. He might be the better option.”  
  
Jeremy groans. "Who says they are going to let us keep _him_?”  
  
Andy shrugs. “They are very fond of him.”   
  
“I’m not doing this show without Richard."  
  
“So I keep telling them.”   
  
The door bangs open and Jason and Richard tumble into the room, on the tail end of an argument. “Loosen up, mate, for christ’s sake”, Richard snaps.  
  
“Rich, you don't…” Jason falls silent when he realises they are not alone.   
  
Andy sighs, carefully stepping away from Jeremy. “Sit down, chaps," he says calmly and Jeremy shoots him a panicked look. What are they going to tell them? They are entirely unprepared!  
  
Andy ignores him, locks the door and gestures to the couch. All colour leaves Richard's face and he plonks down hard. Jason lowers himself into the seat next to him, almost obscuring him with his big frame. That Richard suddenly looks like a scared little boy doesn't help matters.   
  
“There is good and bad news,” Andy says firmly, and Jeremy once again admires him for his ability to put his own insecurities, his own troubles, aside when dealing with others. “We’ll get a second series. That's the good news.” A breath. Then, without further ado: “The bad news is, neither of you two is confirmed yet."  
  
Jeremy bites his lip.   
  
Richard has stopped breathing.   
  
“Okay,” Jason says.   
  
“Okay? Okay is all you have to say??” Richard jumps up, paces around the room. It's small and he keeps coming up against walls whichever way he turns, which seems to only agitate him more.   
  
“It's not like there's anything we can do, is there?”   
  
“How can you be so…” Richard turns on Jeremy. “Chances?”   
  
Jeremy glances at Andy, pleading for him to take control of the situation..  
  
“We are presently having a disagreement with the brass,” Andy says diplomatically, but Richard is right there in Jeremy's face. And how he manages to be so close, so intense, despite the height difference, remains a mystery to Jeremy. There’s no evading him. "We'll have to let one of you go.” It’s out of Jeremy’s mouth before he even knew he was going to open it.  
  
“Meaning?”   
  
He won't let them off, the little pikey. Outside, Jeremy can hear Emily shout and Finlo giggle.   
  
“I want to keep you, Richard. At any cost. You know that. I'm doing what I can.”   
  
“Okay, enough,” Andy interrupts. “You two: out. Jason, you stay for a minute.”   
  
They step outside together, stopping at the foot of the stairs. The children tear past them. Jeremy snatches Finlo up in mid-run and throws him into the air, letting the familiar, carefree giggle ground him.   
  
“That was a bit harsh,” Richard says from next to him.   
  
Jeremy puts Fin back down and sends him on his way with a playful smack to the bottom. “The truth.”  
  
Together they watch the little boy chase his sister through the parking lot.   
  
“Jeremy.” Richard turns towards him, all serious. “Whatever happens… thank you for giving me this chance and thank you for not giving up on me easily. It's been a hell of a ride."  
  
“Don't be daft, Rich. We’re not finished yet. We'll be doing this until you're sick of it and you wish you'd never met me.”   
  
He leaves Richard spluttering indignantly and walks over to the car where Francie is waiting with the children.   
  
She kisses him on the cheek. “Alright, love?”  
  
“Yeah."  
  
"You're not fooling me."  
  
"It's just that the line-up for next series still isn't clear. It sucks not to know.”   
  
“Well, just make sure you keep Richard,” Francie says, buckling Fin into his booster seat while Jeremy helps Emily. “You two click like nothing I've ever seen and chemistry is everything.”   
  
Jeremy groans and gets into the passenger seat. “Don’t tell _me_ that, woman." He turns around just in time to prevent an upcoming argument among his offspring. "Righty-ho! Who wants ice cream and a ride on the Eye?”  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Jeremy lies awake all night, thoughts of destiny, kismet, serendipity and chemistry turning around and around in his head.   
  
When he arrives at the office Thursday morning, Jason and Richard are in a focus room, writing and rehearsing the upcoming Used Car News.   
  
Jeremy stands in the shadows for a long time, looking in through the glass and just watching them. Watching their body language, the way they work together.   
  
After much longer than is in any way justifiable, he gets coffee and sits down at his desk. Instead of picking cars for the Cool Wall segment like he should, though, he pulls out the BBC’s list of possible presenters and goes through the names one by one.  
  
He knows most of them, does research on the others, and discards them one after the other.   
  
Finally, Jason and Richard appear. Richard doesn't even stop to say good morning, focused as he is on the fastest way to the coffee machine.   
  
Jeremy gets up and follows him.   
  
“What was May doing here the other day?” he asks, carefully casual, taking the pot from Richard and pouring himself a mug.  
  
“Oh, he’s pitched them an idea. He got fired from Car Magazine apparently. Which sucks, I really liked his columns. Anyway, he says he's trying to go independent. Freelance. He’s rubbish at being an employee.” Richard sniggers. “Do you know how he got fired from AutoCar?”   
  
“Yes.”   
  
“Oh, you do? Good story, that, isn't it? Well, that idea of his, it's really great. But very niche. I don't think the BBC will go for it. Pity, really. The man knows how to talk cars and he's really funny, too. In this understated, deadpan kind of way, you know? Ragingly hilarious but not exactly mainstream compatible."  
  
Jeremy stares. Blinks. “Haven't you just met him for the first time? How do you know all that?”  
  
Richard grins. “Well, he was just on his way out. And we kind of ended up in the pub. Good bloke. Kept up with the drinks, too. He owns a Honda Fireblade, imagine that! But his views on the Z4 are appalling.”  
  
“You met out there in the corridor for the first time and then just _kind of ended up in the pub_?" Jeremy is still mostly stuck on that part of the conversation. They have just met and already Richard is prattling on about May as if they’d been friends for years?  
  
Richard looks at him curiously. “Yeah, so what? You're acting weird, Jeremy. Do _you_ know him?”   
  
“Yeah. I mean no. I - I've seen him around.”   
  
Jeremy grabs a second mug, fills it and takes it into Andy's office, leaving Richard to stare after him with a bemused expression.  
  
“Andy, I’m done. I’m going to call James May. Do you have his number?”   
  
  
  



	10. S01E10 - the one with the fastest faith again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Decisions are made on all fronts — but are they the same ones?

Jeremy puts the fresh round of pints down on the table and slides back into the booth.   
  
“At least,” Andy's tongue is heavy, “at least he has his used cars to go back to.” He makes an uncoordinated grab for one of the glasses.   
  
Jeremy nods and nudges a full glass closer to Andy, taking the empty one out of harm’s way.   
  
His chances of making it back to Chipping Norton tonight are diminishing with every minute. Francie will understand. Andy is more important right now.   
  
“He’ll be alright,” Jeremy reaches over and awkwardly pats Andy's arm. “He still has his trade business.”  
  
“This was the hardest thing I've ever done,” Andy moans, burying his face in his hands.   
  
“Oh, come now, Andrew, it wasn't that bad. We're not even firing him, it’s only his contract won’t get renewed. Bonkers as it sounds, we’re grown up businessmen now. It happens.”   
  
Jeremy is laying on the bravado for Andy’s sake. It'd been bad. He’d absolutely _loathed_ having ‘the conversation’ with Jason.  
  
Fortunately, Jason had taken it rather well. He’d seen it coming, of course. Plus he'd not given up his used cars trade business. He can go back to the life he came from. He’d been successful before. It helps. Still, though. Sitting there, looking into Jason’s eyes and more or less telling him: “Sorry mate, you didn't work out.” It hadn't been fun.   
  
Andy takes a gulp of his beer. “He’s a decent bloke.”  
  
“Yes, he is.”  
  
“It’s not his fault.”  
  
“No, it isn’t.”  
  
Andy had been fond of Jason from the beginning. Over the last couple of months, while Jeremy had bonded with Richard, Andy had bonded with Jason. It’s dangerous to be the quasi-boss of a friend, Jeremy is now more aware of it than ever. But Andy knows what it takes and he puts the success of their baby first.   
  
Jeremy has no idea how he did it, but somehow, some way, Andy’d managed to get Greg Dyke, _the_ Greg Dyke, BBC Director General, to confirm in an email that the ‘presenter line-up must be agreed upon by all parties’. Specifying a little further down that ‘all parties’ expressly included and favoured the people actually _making_ the show. And that had decided it. They might not have been able to confirm Richard, yet. Let alone James. But their chances have soared.   
  
Andy is a freaking genius. The bravest man Jeremy knows. Bloody Greg Dyke, bloody fucking Nora. Jeremy is in awe. And grateful. To be honest, he wants to hug the daylights out of Andy.   
  
He buys him beer, instead.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
They’ve agreed to meet in their London offices at 6.30 a.m. on Monday morning because there is still so much to do before the last studio filming.   
  
Richard and Jason are already there when Jeremy walks in, tucked away in a secluded corner, heads stuck together, deep in conversation. Jeremy leaves them be.   
  
After a couple of hours of doing last-minute voice overs for his off-roader segment, Jeremy takes a break on the fire escape ladder where he is, once again, joined by Richard.   
  
“How is he?” Jeremy asks, giving Richard a light.   
  
“Alright,” Richard says, looking out over the city. “A little relieved, actually.”   
  
“Is he.”  
  
“He’s not daft. He’s well aware he wasn't wanted.”  
  
Jeremy blusters. “He never actually… “  
  
Richard holds up a hand. “Leave it, Jezza.”   
  
And Jeremy, not least to his own surprise, does.   
  
It's the truth, after all.   
  
“What about me?” Richard asks, taking a couple of deep drags before stubbing out his cigarette and turning around, head bowed, gaze fixed to the tips of Jeremy’s shoes.   
  
“Looking good,” Jeremy replies. “They should give you the new contract to sign early in January.”  
  
“I’m sad for Jason,” Richard mumbles. Then he looks up, a bright smile spreading over his features. ”But that's the best Christmas present I've ever had.”  
  
Jeremy beams back. It's impossible not to. Someone should make it their goal in life to put this look on Richard's face. It's unspeakably rewarding.   
  
“What would you say if I told you I’ve got James May in mind as a replacement?”  
  
Richard gapes. “Are you serious??”   
  
“I am serious.”   
  
“That you shouldn't be able to top it, you arse, that's what I’d say!”   
  
Jeremy laughs out loud and finishes his own cigarette. “It's all a little wobbly still, but I'm confident. You’ll have to come down for a screen test with him. I’ll let you know when.”  
  
Richard's smile is threatening to split his face in two.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Before the show, Jeremy takes Jason aside. “Let’s have some fun,” he tells him. “It’s a good one, enjoy yourself.”  
  
“I will,” Jason says, and Jeremy can't quite tell if it’s genuine or defiant.   
  
Richard bounds into the studio then, full of bubbly enthusiasm as always. He has changed into a very shiny charcoal shirt and stalls the comment on the tip of Jeremy’s tongue with a raised index finger. “Shush,” he says, moving the finger to point it at Jeremy’s own shirt. “Pink.” Jeremy recognises the risk and swiftly swallows his teasing remark.   
  
The wardrobe mocking is far from over with that, though. Richard falls all over himself giggling madly at Jeremy’s outfit in the off-roader VT which is the first of the episode.  
  
If he were honest with himself (which of course he isn’t), Jeremy would have to admit that it’s pretty much exactly the response he’d hoped for.   
  
“Get a grip, it’s just me exaggerating the ‘blending in’ a bit,” he huffs. Richard, overly giddy, dissolves completely, the audience is torn between watching him and watching the film, and even Jason guffaws delightedly every time Jeremy’s hideous trousers stuck into even more hideous wellies come into sight.   
  
Life Goals.   
  
Impossibly, it gets even better when Jeremy, the locals, and the film crew manage to get a full three cars stuck: in the mud, the lake, and the woods, respectively. Jeremy himself is now cackling (more at Richard than the film), and after the segment ends they need an extensive break.   
  
For Richard to stop crying with laughter and for make-up to cover up the evidence.   
  
“We need more of that.” Richard is still chuckling when he and Jeremy take their positions in the boot of the Range Rover to finish off the segment. “Watching you make a mess of things is _hilarious_.”  
  
The Car Of The Year award ceremony is a riot in and of itself. Jason is relaxed and does well and Jeremy dares to initiate some audience interaction. In which some cheeky sod in the back suggests Jeremy’s very own beloved Mercedes SL55AMG as a competitor for ‘Most Pointless Car Of The Year’ and Jeremy almost throws the whole segment off by chasing the man through the studio, sending Richard and Jason (and the audience) into another fit of giggles.   
  
There will be words from Andy. Editing this is going to be a nightmare.   
  
Jason has a brilliant and slightly longer than usual used car VT. Andy has made it the centrepiece of the episode.  
  
Jason watches stoically from the side-lines as it plays, but Jeremy notices Richard is standing unusually close to him, their elbows brushing. He makes to go over, but Richard catches his eye and shakes his head. So Jeremy goes and stands close to Andy, instead, who’s gone a bit misty-eyed himself.   
  
The second coming of the Fastest Faith is a huge success, not least thanks to the enormous Seventh-Day Adventist who doesn't fit into the car. He's bigger than Jeremy himself, how is that even possible?  
  
Jason’s presentation is fun and flawless. Richard positions himself deliberately between Jeremy and the pastor for the award ceremony (no one would have dared suggest it) and Jeremy resists a height joke. The picture speaks for itself and Richard asking “why do I have to stand _here_?” is more than enough to draw attention. It’s fabulous comedic value.   
  
They follow this up with a montage of their stars in the reasonably priced car, JayKay is here to collect his award for Fastest Celebrity Of The Series, and then it’s over. That’s it. They are done. Jason is done.   
  
Jeremy announces that they will be back for a second series with mixed feelings, but the audience’s hooting joy carries them through the excruciatingly awkward moment of saying goodbye.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
They have a little wrap party with the crew down the pub and everyone is there but Richard. He’d gotten a phone call on the way to his car and, with a “catch you later”, he’d jogged back towards the studio hangar, full of untamed exuberance and excitement.   
  
Jeremy makes sure he has a beer waiting for him, but by the time he’s finished his own, Richard is still nowhere in sight. Jeremy tries his mobile, but the call goes straight to voicemail, so drinks the beer himself. Richard still hasn't turned up after that, though, so Jeremy leaves him a rude message with an order to get his arse down here immediately, and orders another two.   
  
Andy slides in next to him when he's halfway through the first of those, interrupting a vociferous discussion between Jeremy and Richard Porter about Land Rovers. “Where’s Richard?”  
  
“Dunno, mate.” Jeremy hits redial, listens to the phone going to voicemail yet again.   
  
Andy eyes him suspiciously, then grabs the surplus beer for himself. “What have you done this time?”   
  
Jeremy splutters. “Nothing! Why do you always think it’s me!?”   
  
“Because you may be a lot of things, Clarkson, but tactful isn't one of them.” Porter raises his own glass to Jeremy and they all three promptly descend into a squabble about who is the most tactless of them and why.   
  
All evening Jeremy waits for Richard to bounce through the door, flustered and apologetic.   
  
He never does.   
  
  



	11. S01/S02 Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy has had enough.

In the festive chaos over Christmas, Jeremy makes an effort to push everything else aside. He can't deny he’s a bit of a workaholic and Francie is incredibly understanding, but this is part of the deal. Christmas holidays are on her terms. It’s family time.   
  
Francie is busy preparing the house for the various celebrations and board and lodging for their guests, and holds Jeremy responsible for keeping the little ones out of her way. The children are over the moon about the extended, undivided Daddy-time, and there is barely a minute when Jeremy isn't kicking a ball around for Emily, getting Fin’s quad unstuck, or petting donkeys with Katya. Simultaneously more often than not.  
  
It's an endless coming and going of guests between Christmas and New Year’s. Jeremy's parents, his sister with her family, the in-laws, the Wilman’s, Adrian Gill who’s Fin's godfather; a constant stream of people flowing in and out of the Clarkson family home.   
  
Jeremy is happy.   
  
The only work-related thing he does – and he remembers only thanks to Andy’s parting reminder – is ringing James May again to arrange for a couple of possible dates for a screen test.   
  
So the first week of January has already gone when Jeremy finally gets around to phoning Richard.   
  
It rings forever but it doesn't go to voicemail, so Jeremy keeps at it, re-dialling several times until, finally, Richard picks up.   
  
“Hullo, Clarkson.” He sounds guarded, wary.  
  
“Rich!” Jeremy booms regardless. “Happy New Year!”   
  
There's a long silence. Then: “Why, Jeremy, thank you.” A deep sigh. “You, too, I guess.”   
  
Jeremy pauses, thrown by the dully resigned tone. The silence stretches. Emily and Fin start a fight over breakfast cereals. Jeremy walks out into the back garden.  
  
Then, finally: “What do you want, Clarkson?” It's cold. Hostile almost.   
  
“Whatever’s the matter with you?” Jeremy explodes. “First you stand us up at the wrap party and now you sound as if I scratched your Rover or something.” He remembers Porter’s not entirely unfounded quip on tactlessness. Slows down. “Have I done something wrong?” he asks, in a kinder tone of voice.   
  
“No. Yes! Oh I don't know.” Richard sighs again. “I honestly don't think it's your fault, Jez. Even you wouldn't be that cruel.” He laughs, a brittle sound. Jeremy can hear the click of a lighter, a deep inhale. “It’s just… I would have preferred to hear it from you, you know? That’s all. I thought I’d deserve that.”  
  
“... Richard?” Jeremy asks, a chill running down his back. What the fuck?   
  
Richard ploughs on, unheeded. “It meant a lot to me. And I thought you knew that. And I really thought we were getting on, you and I. I thought I'd kind of figured you out. Hell, I’d even started to like you.”  
  
Seriously, now, what the fuck?? “Richard!” More forceful this time.   
  
“I don't want an apology, Jeremy, but an explanation would be nice.”   
  
“Richard, what the hell are you talking about?!?”   
  
“What am I….? The show of course, you pillock. Not getting re-hired. After you practically promised me…” His voice breaks, Jeremy can hear him take several hurried, shallow drags from his fag. It takes listening to that, to several seconds of Richard’s erratic, too fast breathing, for the real meaning of his words to finally crash over Jeremy in one big, thunderous wave of ice cold dread.  
  
“Who?” he manages, if barely.   
  
“What?” Richard asks, voice just this side of steady.   
  
“Who said that?” Jeremy grinds out. His stomach has flipped, his heart is pounding. “Who, Rich? Who told you?”   
  
“Harrods,” Richard says, sounding confused. “After the last recording. He called me back into the studio, remember? To ‘talk’.” The quotes are obvious even down the phone line.   
  
So that's why. Oh god, that's why Richard hadn't come to the wrap party. Oh, christ. Oh, bollocks.   
  
“The fucker,” Jeremy curses, hardly able to hear his own words over the rushing in his ears. “That moron. I had no idea. For the record, Richard, this was me calling to arrange a screen test with May.”   
  
He disconnects before the rage can completely consume him, before he’ll be incapable of coherency.   
  
“Bloody Nora”, he swears. Then again, louder: “Fuck!” And one more time: “BOLLOCKS!”  
  
He marches back into the house, through to the kitchen, grabbing his car keys off the sideboard in passing, kisses each of his children on the head, his wife on the lips. “I’m needed in London.”   
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Andy calls just as he's turning onto the A44. “Jez, something happened, I think you should get down here immediately.”   
  
“I heard,” Jeremy snarls. “Already on my way.”   
  
The long drive should calm him down, but the exact opposite is the case.   
  
By the time he walks into White City, he is properly worked up. He sticks his head into Andy’s office on his way past, snaps “Coming?” and continues down the corridor without a second glance.   
  
Andy hurries to catch up. “Where are we going?”   
  
Jeremy only grunts and sets course for Dyke’s office.   
  
“Woah, wait a minute, Jez,” Andy says when he realises where Jeremy is headed, but it's too late. Jeremy sails into the antechamber, past the startled secretary and straight into Dyke's offices.   
  
He’s in luck. The Director General is in.   
  
“Mr… Clarkson?” Dyke asks, hesitating no more than a second over the name.   
  
“Mr Dyke.”   
  
Andy hisses “Jez, come on!” from behind him and Jeremy remembers who exactly he's talking to. “Sir,” he adds.   
  
“And Mr Wilman.” Dyke leans back in his chair. The secretary is in the doorway, blustering. Dyke appeases him with a wave of his hand and sends him back to his desk.  
  
“Now what can I do for you, Clarkson?”   
  
Andy pushes past Jeremy. “I apologise for the intrusion, Mr Dyke, but…”  
  
“Thank you, Mr Wilman,” Dyke interrupts. “But if we don't let Mr Clarkson speak, I fear he might explode.”   
  
And that… exactly yes. One hundred points for the man.   
  
Jeremy takes a fortifying breath.   
  
And begins.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
“I’ll take them over to Richard,” Jeremy says, carefully putting the contract documents into a blue plastic sheaf.   
  
“You and your propensity for drama,” Andy laughs, still high on adrenaline.   
  
“The man thinks we fired him. And that we didn't even bother telling him to his face. There's a lot to set straight there.”  
  
He turns to the door, frowns, pauses.   
  
“Uhm… do you know his address, Andy?”   
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
By the time Jeremy pulls up in front of the tiny cottage in Gloucestershire, he isn't quite so sure of himself anymore.   
  
Mindy opens the door, a toddler clinging to her leg, a black dog excitedly bouncing around them. “Oh!” is all she says.   
  
“Hello, Mindy. Is Richard in?” She nods and Jeremy bends down as far as he can go without actually lying flat on the floor. The Hammonds all seem to be equally tiny. “Hi there. You must be Isabella. Nice to meet you.” The little girl continues sucking her thumb, eyeing him warily.   
  
Jeremy smiles at her and when he straightens back up, Richard has appeared in the hall.   
  
“Jeremy.” His voice is level.   
  
They stand for a moment in an awkward triangle, eyeing each other, undecided. Then Jeremy pushes the contract papers at Richard.   
  
Richard looks at them blankly.  
  
Jeremy pushes more insistently and this time, Richard takes them.   
  
“One more series,” Jeremy says gruffly. “At the very least. And next time something like this happens, you fucking talk to me.”  
  
Mindy’s hand goes to her mouth. Richard's eyes, when he looks back from the papers to Jeremy, are big and round with disbelief.   
  
“I always get what I want, Richard, get used to it.”  
  
“Oh, thank goodness,” Mindy steps forward and hugs Jeremy around the waist. “He’s been insufferable these past couple of weeks.”   
  
Richard coughs, clears his throat. “That’ll be quite enough then, mate,” he says sternly when Jeremy's arms come up to hug Mindy back. He’s grinning, though, and she laughs when Richard holds out his own arms, launching herself at him. He picks her up and spins her in a circle.   
  
Jeremy looks at the little girl staring back at him with huge brown Hamster eyes. “You’re about the same age as my Katya,” he says. “You should be friends. We have donkeys.” The little girl offers him her binky.  
  
Richard breaks free from his wife and ruffles Isabella’s hair. “Good idea, Clarkson. And next thing she’ll want a pony.” He waggles his finger. “The paycheque isn't quite big enough for that, not yet.”   
  
Jeremy laughs and Richard grabs a leash off the hook on the wall and whistles. The dog comes to heel, yapping excitedly. “Let’s go for a walk?”  
  
They do.   
  
They walk for hours.   
  
And they talk for hours.   
  
About expectations and promises and honesty. About children and money and new houses with horrendous mortgages. About goals and careers and the trials of showbiz.   
  
And when they return - long after daylight has faded to dusk and dusk has faded to darkness - Jeremy has gained a friend for life.  
  



	12. S02E01 - the one with the driving god

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time. Time for James May.   
And he's different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, I haven't given up on this little big project, no way!   
Just got a little distracted with the Plumber AU :-)

There's a clash from the portacabin’s little kitchenette nook.   
  
A porcelain mug shatters on the floor.   
  
"Bollocks,” James swears. It sounds slightly shaky.  
  
Jeremy and Richard exchange a glance and Richard jerks his head in James’ direction, causing Jeremy a brief moment of pure panic.   
  
He has no doubt that James is the right choice as the third presenter on TopGear. They will balance each other out perfectly. James is calm, sensible, knowledgeable and wickedly funny. Gives as good as he takes. Jeremy is a huge fan of his dry, pointed humour.  
  
It's only that so far, Jeremy hasn't yet managed to connect with him. James is a private man. Modest, sophisticated, cultured. A bit nerdy. So very different from Richard. From everyone Jeremy has ever known, in fact. So much so that Jeremy is at a complete loss as to how to approach him.   
  
James is reserved around Jeremy, too. Treading carefully. As if he doesn’t quite know what to do with Jeremy either, doesn’t quite know how to treat him.   
  
And so, while preparing for the series had been a big creative success and a lot of fun, they'd both been keeping kind of a guarded distance, have taken to using Richard as an intermediary.   
  
Richard sighs and rolls his eyes but gets up at a hiss and a muted “ouch, cock” from the corner, while Jeremy is still frozen in place.   
  
“Mate, leave it,” Richard says. “We can't have you bleeding out in the studio, it might scare the audience. Let’s have a fag, come on.”   
  
Jeremy pretends not to pay attention to them, but even without looking up from his Cool Wall pictures, James’ indecision is palpable.   
  
“Jeremy will tidy that up,” Richard adds smugly and Jeremy's head whips up. No, he can't let that one pass.   
  
“Get yourself a maid, May, I'm not cleaning up after you just because you can't keep your nerves under control.”  
  
It comes out a lot more snappish, a lot more aggressive than he'd intended, but once it's out, Jeremy doesn't quite know how to take it back.   
  
James fidgets, flushing, more suppressed anger than embarrassment. His right eyelid twitches and Jeremy wonders if he’s gone too far. Almost wishes James would snap, shout at him. It would be a welcome change from the pointed indifference he usually exhibits towards Jeremy. Not that twenty minutes before filming the first episode of a new series is an ideal time for it, but, well. Jeremy knows he’d deserve it. And with Richard it would happen like that, and then they could move on.  
  
Jeremy holds James' gaze, challenging. James opens his mouth to say something but Richard interrupts with a slap to his shoulder.  
  
“Don't be an arse, Jeremy.” He gives Jeremy a pointed look, then turns his attention back to James. “C’mon, May, fag. I really need one.”  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Andy comes in while Jeremy is sweeping up the pieces.  
  
He stops short, then twists to peer out the grimy little window, presumably at James and Richard.   
  
“Do I want to know?” he asks.   
  
“No,” Jeremy replies curtly, tossing the fragments in the bin.   
  
“Mhmm,” Andy hums. “Ten minutes. Will you be ready?”   
  
“Yes,” Jeremy says, pushing past him and out the door, making a beeline for the studio.   
  
Out of the corner of his eye he can see Richard and James smoking by the side of the portacabin, but he doesn't stop.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
“This is make or break for him, Jezza,” Richard murmurs when they stand next to each other, watching the intro play, James off to the other side with Andy. “Be nice.”   
  
“What are you talking about?” Jeremy asks. “I'm _me_.”   
  
“Exactly. It can be a little intimidating.”   
  
Jeremy looks at him sharply but they are out of time. The last chords of ‘_Jessica’_ play and Jeremy steps onto the stage.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Jeremy introduces the new series alone.   
  
There have been rumours among their small but devoted fan base about a change in the presenter line-up, and they have decided to play it up a bit, not immediately disclosing if it’s Richard or Jason that’s left and, especially, who the new man is.   
  
Long-time viewers will recognise James from his stint on the original show, and it will hopefully be a positive surprise for them. He’d been quite well-liked by the audience from what Jeremy and Andy had been able to gather, his firing purely due to personal differences with the executive producer. He’d said 'cock' one too many times. And had apparently refused to get a haircut.   
  
The first VT is Jeremy reviewing the Smart convertible.   
  
He’d been up in arms when Porter had suggested it. Small cars are for small people like Richard to review. But Andy had liked the idea and stood firm. Richard already had the Bowler Wildcat feature. Besides, it would make for a couple of extra laughs to put Jeremy in a Smart.  
  
That one had kind of backfired, though. Jeremy’d fallen utterly in love with the little car.   
  
They cut back to the studio for the outro and relieve the Richard-fans of their tension.   
  
Good lord, what a sight he is.   
  
The have all made a bit of an effort at scrubbing up somewhat for the occasion. Jeremy is wearing a pale purple shirt Francie had chosen, with a proper suit jacket over it. Richard looks - there is no other word for it - _dashing_ in a white shirt with an elegant grey flower pattern.   
  
The bantering goes very well and they transition smoothly to the Cool Wall. Height jokes, as has been established on that long walk through the Gloucestershire countryside, are reluctantly allowed now coming from Jeremy, and he puts the agreement immediately to the test. Richard rolls his eyes but reacts in an adorably exasperated, long-suffering manner. Jeremy beams. This is going to be fun to play with.   
  
Then Richard sets a dreadful Nissan Sunny on fire with a dragster’s jet engine - his own idea - and Jeremy sniggers while watching the film, already knowing he and Andy will have to explain themselves at the next brass meeting for pointlessly burning fuel and destroying a car. He doesn’t care in the least. There will be so much more pointless fooling around this series. Richard had a ton of ideas to start with and Jeremy had happily pitched in.   
  
Vinnie Jones as a Star In A Reasonably Priced Car is not very exciting. But what comes after him definitely is.   
  
It’s time.   
  
Finally.  
  
Time for James May.   
  
“Now this being a new series of TopGear, we thought we’d try out a new presenter, okay?”  
  
James stands off camera between Andy and Richard, looking slightly nauseous. Jeremy knows it’s less stage fright and more the pressure of this being probably his last chance at a steady income with the BBC. And he is in dire need of the money.   
  
Jeremy has seen the VT before: James sitting on the quay wall in an ill-fitting greenish-brown suit, wind blowing through his hair, reviewing his very own Bentley. It’s pretty much the exact story he’d brought forward at his audition two years ago and it’s still just as absurd, just as hilarious.   
  
“You’d have to be a complete idiot to buy one of those,” on-screen James says, walking up to a blue Bentley T2 and then adds, dryly: “This one’s mine.” The audience sniggers.   
  
With a straight face James points out all the things wrong with the Bentley’s dashboard and declares that’s why he loves it. The audience laughs.   
  
“But hang on. I haven’t told you how it’s ruined my life yet,” on-screen James says with a straight face and goes on to talk about how it costs 80 quid to fill up and does 15 miles to the gallon… but only if he drives like an undertaker. How he has to rent a king-sized garage to keep it in and that it takes up two tokens at the car wash and how he's convinced his mechanic buys his overalls from Gucci while James himself sits at home eating gruel. The audience roars.   
  
James takes up position next to Jeremy for the outro, wearing the very same odd, ill-fitting suit, and Jeremy tries to give him a reassuring smile. They haven’t talked since the little incidence in the portacabin, except for a quick threeway “good luck” just before the cameras started rolling and Jeremy feels oddly wrong-footed by the residue of unresolved tension in the air.   
  
James gives a sharp nod, not quite looking at him.  
  
And then they are on.   
  
It’s a great story, the story of James and his ancient Bentley, and they have a tight script to make things go smoothly on James' first studio appearance. Just from watching the film again Jeremy has a hundred new ideas, the temptation to ad-lib is huge. But he resists.  
  
“You don’t have another car?” he exclaims. “But how many sacrifices do you have to make?”  
  
“Going for a curry. Having mates. Having a _proper_ car.” The audience laughs and so does Jeremy, despite there being a bit of a sad edge to it. It’s a true story, after all. But James is like him and Richard in that regard at least. Generous with jokes at his own expense and quick to laugh about himself. It’s why he’s here.   
  
“And presumably it won’t fit in your garage, since you live in London,” Jeremy suggests.   
  
All James is meant to do is confirm it and give Jeremy an opening to bring up the folding bicycle.   
  
“No," James says and then, just when Jeremy is about to pick up the thread, he adds: “Well, actually, that’s not quite true, the first twelve feet fit in the garage magnificently.” Everyone laughs. “Even though then I can’t actually get out of the car. But then there are two feet on the pavement.”  
  
“Yeah, you wouldn’t want that,” Jeremy says, feeling the thrill of spontaneous banter kicking in, idly wondering where James will take it.   
  
“And the last three feet are on the road and get a parking ticket,” James deadpans and this, exactly this, is why Jeremy’d wanted him. He sniggers, genuinely amused.   
  
But James isn’t done yet.  
  
“And if I put the who…” there’s a little hitch. He is so nervous he isn’t breathing properly and ran out of air. But he doesn't let it distract him, just takes a much-needed breath and continues. “... the whole car on the road, you’ll have to pay the council tax. Obviously.”   
  
Wait. What?   
  
It takes Jeremy almost a full a second too long to catch up.  
  
“Because it’s a house, really?” Whew, that was a close one. Note to self: employ full attention whenever James talks!  
  
“It is,” James confirms, smugly satisfied that Jeremy has gotten it.  
  
Jeremy shakes his head, inordinately pleased by the little impromptu exchange, but then tries to move them on to safer grounds. “The thing is, this is not _my _sort of car,” he says and James interrupts with another unscripted “That’s why I like it.”  
  
Jeremy marvels at the man’s ability to perform through his nervousness. He can effectively _feel_ the vibrations of James quaking beside him. His hands shake, his eyelid twitches. But his voice is almost steady and his remarks are spontaneous and witty and to the point.   
  
“Yeah, exactly,” Jeremy laughs. “You just look at what _I_ say and go: _'He is wrong!'_”  
  
“I’ll look at AutoTrader and think what _wouldn’t_ Jeremy buy? That one. I’ll have that one.”  
  
He’s grinning now, too. Breathing a little easier for the first time.  
  
Jeremy laughs even harder. “I respect that in a man, I really do.”   
  
There’s so much more he respects in James right now, but it's not like he could say it. And so he finally moves conversation back to the script, asking how far away the rented outsource garage is and making James admit to his folding bicycle. And then he slides up on the car’s bonnet and notices the bouncy suspension and, well. Things get very distracting. Jeremy doesn’t mean to veer so far off, but. Yeah.  
  
James powers through, desperately concentrating, trying not to lose sight of his lines, and in the end, when Jeremy takes a vote, he is happy to see that James has the audience on his side.  
  
Mission accomplished.  
  
They move over to the News stage and Jeremy claps James’ shoulder when they go, hoping to be reassuring and convey a proud _‘well done’_.  
  
James is more involved in his very first News segment than Jason had been in all of the first series’ combined.   
  
Christ, but it makes a difference.   
  
The final VT is Richard’s Bowler Wildcat.   
  
Jeremy wouldn’t have necessarily pre-watched it before now, he trusts Richard and Andy to put a good film together.  
  
But then Andy had come by Jeremy’s flat after a day in the editing suite and dropped a VHS tape off. “Just watch it,” he'd said.   
  
And oh, had it been worth it.   
  
It’s a great film and Jeremy can’t but praise it in front of the audience. Really well put together and presented with Richard’s unique brand of seemingly effortless professionalism combined with bubbling enthusiasm.  
  
Even _more_ than his usual amount of enthusiasm, in fact. Yes. It seems unlikely but it's possible.  
  
“I AM A DRIVING GOD!”  
  
Richard knows what’s coming, of course. He bites his nails and blushes adorably when Jeremy asks to play that scene again. Jeremy had already thoroughly taken the piss these past couple of days and even James had taken to greeting Richard with hands folded in prayer.   
  
Well, he'll just have to deal. This is going to last a long time. It will be in every teaser trailer and in every highlights montage ever, Jeremy will make sure of it.   
  
The last couple of minutes are filled with laughter and gentle ribbing.  
  
Jeremy hopes it will always be like this.  
  
It's exactly how it's supposed to be.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
"May!" Jeremy calls, finally catching up with the other two after some mingling with the audience. He slings an arm around each of his co-presenters. _Intimidating_. Ridiculous.  
  
Richard beams up at him, playfully jostling him with his elbow.   
  
James, on his other side, tenses, and Jeremy squeezes a little harder for good measure. "Well done, both of you! You almost got me there, May. _'It's a house'_. That was fucking brilliant!"  
  
"I know," James says. His eyelid twitches. He holds still for another five seconds, then carefully steps out from under Jeremy's arm. "I should go. See you at debrief tomorrow."  
  
"What?" Jeremy calls after him, bewildered. "But we're going to the pub, mate!"  
  
James turns around, his smile looking a little frazzled. "Maybe next time." He quickly walks away.  
  
Richard slaps Jeremy's back before he, too, steps away. "He's different, mate."  
  
"And that is a good thing," Andy says, walking up to them and wagging a warning finger under Jeremy's nose. "Don't you forget that, Clarkson."  
  
  
  
  



	13. S02E02 - the one with the fastest politicians

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy gets to know James a little better - or so he thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a tricky chapter this one, as not too much happened in the episode. I can't wait for them to start presenting segments together!! 
> 
> There's a Jimmy Savile joke in this. Please remember it's 2003 and while I believe there were already rumours, Jimmy Savile was still a popular TV personality. The scene is gold, though, James' straight face, Jeremy's laughter, the corner of James' mouth twitching while he desperately tries to keep said straight face...

The anticipated talking-to about the insensibility and redundancy of burning a Nissan (and a caravan) with a jet engine happens, as expected, on Monday morning.  
  
Five viewers had complained to Ofcom. Five. Out of more than three million.   
  
Jeremy rakes his hair in desperation but keeps his mouth shut. Andy had made him swear, under pain of making him review a caravan in an upcoming episode, not to say a peep. So he doesn't. It takes tremendous effort, but he doesn't.  
  
The BBC has decided to gloss over it this time, Harrods and Brindley inform them with great generosity. The complaints won't be put on file, but could TopGear please abstain from any such nonsense in the future?  
  
Andy nods solemnly, thanks them politely, and then slides over a sheaf of papers, asking for a signature.  
  
"What's that?" Harrods eyes the folder suspiciously.  
  
"Just some requisitions we'll need for the series finale," Andy says innocently. Too innocently, maybe. "If you could please sign on the bottom left?"   
  
Harrods shoots him a glance, then turns to page two.   
  
Freezes.   
  
Brindley leans closer, reads over his shoulder.   
  
Stares at them in absolute disbelief.   
  
_"An F3 fighter jet?!?"_  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Richard's head shoots up when Jeremy and Andy walk into the office.   
  
"Sorry Hammond," Andy says, "You're not going to race a fighter jet."  
  
Richard's face falls.   
  
"Just yet", James says.   
  
Jeremy looks at him in surprise.   
  
James’d been more than sceptical when Richard had first brought up the idea. Had questioned safety procedures and the wisdom of doing something like that with a baby due in barely more than a month… for the sake of Mindy's nerves more than anything.  
  
Richard and Jeremy had tried to convince him of the sheer brilliance of it all but, annoyingly, Andy had been on James' side. "I want to end the series on a bang," he'd said. "But preferably not of fire. And preferably not with one of my presenters in the middle of it." Jeremy and Richard had, grudgingly, given in.  
  
The next morning, though, James had turned up with flipcharts and a storyboard, had told them he highly doubted they would be able to procure a fighter jet, but as he didn’t entirely put it past them, this was how it was going to go down if they did.  
  
Jeremy, Richard and Andy had stared at the sketches and scribbled notes in disbelief.  
  
James' take was both more spectacular and _much_ safer than their initial approach.   
  
James looks at a pouting Hammond. “We’ll do it,” he says. “Eventually. It's a great piece.”   
  
Jeremy gapes at him. James had been watching from the sidelines, mostly, while they'd planned the series. Had done what he'd been told. Willingly, if a little shyly. His input had been invaluable and to the point, his suggested lines were ragingly funny, but everything had always been brought forward with an air of insecurity. As if he were unsure of their reaction, unsure if he was allowed.   
  
The quiet confidence is new.   
  
Jeremy likes it.   
  
He opens his mouth for a joke but realises, deep down, that it's a delicate thing. Born from a show gone well. Easy to crush. He bites his lip, not quite trusting himself not to shatter it, and looks at Andy.  
  
"We will," Andy says, from the doorway to his little office. "Your take on it is brilliant. Oh, and while you're at it - Richard had this idea of doing a Houdini out of a sinking car. Not sure if it's any good. Mind having a look at it and see if you think we can pull it off with no one drowning?”   
  
Richard perks up.   
  
"You what??" Jeremy all but squeaks.   
  
Richard beams. "Consumer advice. Is it possible to escape a sinking car?"   
  
The grin spreads slowly over Jeremy's face. "That's genius, Hammond! Why didn't you tell me?" Richard, on the other hand, is now firmly confident in his place on the show.   
  
James shakes his head. "I knew the two of you were completely bonkers when I signed up, but I didn't _quite_ anticipate the full extent of your insanity." Jeremy smirks and James sighs. "I'll resign myself to being the voice of reason in this trio then, alright?"   
  
Andy sticks his head back out of the office. "That's why I hired you!" he calls, pointing a finger in James' direction. "To keep me sane!"   
  
"_I_ hired him!" Jeremy protests, but the door has already fallen shut behind Andy.   
  
"Pity about the jet," James says. "But it almost would have been too easy."   
  
Richard prattles on about the water pressure and locking mechanisms, completely unbothered by the fact that no one is listening.  
  
"There are other options for that segment. It doesn't have to be a fighter jet, racing the Lambo," Jeremy says.  
  
"Oh yes, it does."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I want to have a go in it."  
  
"The Lambo?"  
  
"No, Jeremy." James says patiently. "Not the Lambo."  
  
It isn't often that Jeremy Clarkson is rendered speechless.  
  
Talk about still waters.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Wednesday. The studio filming.  
  
James arrives in another ill-fitting suit. Beige, this time.   
  
Richard turns up in the same colourful shirt he'd worn for the very first episode.   
  
Oh, yes, Jeremy remembers it well. As if it were yesterday. It sends studio director Brian into another proper rant before he marches off to find Andy and tell him that if he won't get 'the youngster' under control, they'll need higher-resolution cameras.   
  
Richard winks and flashes Jeremy a cheeky grin.  
  
It leaves Jeremy rather weak-kneed.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Jeremy does the outro to the Rolls Royce Phantom film with James.  
  
And James delivers.   
  
Yes, they stick to the script. But James has long, rambly lines of the sort that posed so much difficulty for Jason, and there isn’t a single hitch, a single insecurity.   
  
The only retakes they need are because _Jeremy_ flubs his lines listing cars. Twice. It's rather embarrassing.   
  
And then, right at the end, James gets him again. “I look at this beautiful half-naked woman on top of that radiator grill, and you know what pops into my head? Jimmy Savile.”  
  
It’s not the joke. Jeremy knew it would be coming, it's in the script.  
  
It’s James’ marvellously straight face that cracks Jeremy up. Which, in turn, almost cracks up James, too.   
  
Jeremy is loving it. He puts one hand in the back of James’ neck, can feel the tension radiating off him in waves, and claps the other on his shoulder, hoping James will get it, Jeremy's pride and joy and gratefulness at James' flawless performance. Hoping it'll reassure him.   
  
Richard starts with the Cool Wall and something passes through James as soon as the cameras are off them - Jeremy can't say if it's a shiver or a shake, but whatever it is, it dislodges Jeremy's hands and James steps swiftly away, grabbing a bottle of water from one of the assistants behind the cameras.   
  
Jeremy doesn't have time to dwell on it. Andy gives him a stern look and motions for him to join Richard and so Jeremy barges in, interrupting Richard’s monologue about what’s going to make the Rolls Royce Phantom “cool”. One day. Maybe.   
  
The familiar mate-y banter with Richard, the thrill of audience interaction – it firmly puts any thoughts of James out of Jeremy's head.   
  
Jeremy thoroughly enjoys winding up Richard by using his height advantage to "win" arguments, and he honestly wonders if it will ever get old. It's maybe his biggest accomplishment of series one, making Richard agree to height jokes. And not only agree, he seems to have had a complete turn-about, initiating and playing with it himself.   
  
They fight over the Audi A3 with Jeremy ending up putting it into “cool”, way out of Richard's reach. But the cheeky little sod gets a crate and puts it back into “uncool” when Jeremy is otherwise occupied, with the biggest smirk and the most theatrical gesture imaginable. Jeremy grabs the crate himself, positions it to get the picture back and then proceeds to ignore it completely while easily plucking the picture back down. Richard bursts into laughter. “No, Jeremy, that’s just escalating it!” and Jeremy, ever generous, decides “Well, okay, I’ll let you have that one.”   
  
None of it is scripted and when the director calls cut, they are both in stitches.  
  
Richard sets off to revolutionise democracy, not afraid of making political jokes right in the faces of the political party representatives and Jeremy’s chest swells with pride. He and Andy will have to answer for it. Jeremy can't think of anything he'd rather get a thrashing for.   
  
The News goes exceptionally well again, with Jeremy only having to carry about a third of the talking time. It will need a little getting used to. Not feeling like he has to lead the talk, not being on edge throughout, afraid of it going downhill. It’s a far cry of how the News worked with Jason and a much shier Richard. Having James there to carry his load, to rely on, seems to considerably relax Richard, too.   
  
They click.  
  
It works.   
  
It should be impossible for three men, randomly thrown together through a couple of auditions and a lot of coincidence, to play off each other so well.   
  
***  
  
Richard presents the Rover P5 VT in a pinstriped suit jacket over an elegant white shirt and rather baggy jeans.   
  
"You trying to turn into Clarkson?" James dryly asks and Richard squeaks indignantly.   
  
The audience misses most of the VT, clearly distracted by the three presenters in the corner, quipping and teasing, jostling each other and fooling around, laughter getting ever louder. Ah well, they'll get a chance to re-watch come Sunday.   
  
James has taken over the Used Car News from Jason. He's presenting it together with Richard, like Jason used to, despite Richard's initial protests at the suggestion. It's… not bad. James definitely needs fewer takes and it's more of a dialogue than it used to be. But Jeremy can see Richard's point.   
  
It's the one segment that worked with Jason. Because Jason was passionate about it. James knows nothing about used cars except for how much he spent (and continues to spend) on his Bentley.   
  
It's Jason's segment and it won't work with anyone else.   
  
Jeremy turns to Andy to tell him as much but can see, from his grim look, that he's already noticed.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
"Hammond, May!" Jeremy booms, walking into the portacabin after having managed to extricate himself from the mingling audience rather quicker than usual. "That was a great one, good job!"   
  
James is out of reach, so Jeremy clasps both hands on Richard's shoulders. Richard leans slightly back into him so he can tip his head back far enough to look at Jeremy upside down.   
  
"You, too," he says, and Jeremy is a little taken aback. _He_ is the boss, after all. It's his job to deal out praise, not receive it.  
  
James is busy with the tea kettle. Jeremy studies him. For all his professional competence and sassy comebacks during the show, he is entirely too skittish and insecure in the aftermath. Something needs to be done about that.   
  
"You're not getting away today, May." Jeremy says. "Pub. And if I have to slice your hideous Bentley's tires to make you come with us, I will." He notices he's still holding onto Richard's shoulders and makes himself let go. He tends to get a little clingy coming down from the adrenaline high of filming. Needs to be careful with that.   
  
"No, no, I'll come," James says, sloshing more hot water onto the table than into his mug.  
  
Richard claps his hands together. "Can't stay long, you know, new baby on the way and all that. So let's get cracking!"   
  
He bounds out the door, leaving Jeremy and James looking at each other in awkward silence.   
  
"Tea?" James offers eventually.   
  
Jeremy laughs, walking up to him and clapping him on the shoulder with one hand while nicking a biscuit with the other. "Not sure there's enough water left in the kettle for another, mate."   
  
James shifts uneasily. For the life of him, Jeremy can't figure out why he is so goddamn tense and timid.   
  
"Alright, May?"   
  
"Yeah," James says. "Yeah, sure." He puts his half-finished mug down with a clang, ducks out from under Jeremy’s hand and moves towards the door.   
  
"Let's go, Hammond's waiting."   
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
James does loosen up considerably at the pub.   
  
He whips Richard and camera man Iain's arses at darts while Jeremy keeps up a live commentary.   
  
He gets into a loud debate with both Richards, Porter and Hammond, about Land Rovers.  
  
He claps Jeremy on the shoulder on his way to the bar to get another round.   
  
Thank fuck for that.  
  
Jeremy’d almost come to the conclusion that he somehow had a problem with touching or close contact or something.  
  
  
  



	14. S02E03 - the one with the Bristol Fighter (and the supercar world cup)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They work together. No, really. They do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At some point they started calling the Used Car News “Insider Dealing”. So that's what I'll call it from now on (I might go back and change it in the previous chapters). I don't think the segment was particularly awful myself, but I really think it was the single one segment that worked brilliantly for Jason (and the reason why they hired him), and it always felt a little stilted and awkward when James did it - but that's just my personal opinion! 
> 
> The thing with the Bristol showroom is true, though. They apparently never forgave Jeremy for a bad review of a pre-production car he was never meant to review in the first place.

Jeremy steps into the office and, consequently, right into the middle of a shouting match between Richard and Andy.  
  
James is behind his desk, trying (and spectacularly failing) to look invisible. His hair simply isn't long enough yet.   
  
Jeremy is intrigued. But he knows better than to get between a livid Andy and his target of the day.  
  
"Fag?" he asks in James' general direction, jerking his head towards the door. James is out of his chair like a lightning bolt, looking relieved and very, very grateful.   
  
Jeremy takes him two floors up and opens the door to the fire escape ladder.  
  
James stops short.   
  
Jeremy raises a questioning eyebrow.   
  
James steps out on the platform.   
  
He stays close to the wall as Jeremy lights two cigarettes, but Jeremy doesn't comment.   
  
"What was that all about?" he asks instead, handing one over.  
  
James accepts, leans his head back against the wall, closes his eyes and takes a deep lungful. Opens them again, looking straight at Jeremy.   
  
"Richard doesn't want to do Insider Dealing anymore."   
  
And wow. Okay. Fighting about one of James' segments in front of James is kind of a dick move, even by Jeremy's standards.   
  
He's secretly and selfishly glad Richard has brought it up, though. It saves him from doing so himself.   
  
"Oh." Then: "Andy?"   
  
"Doesn't think it works, but it's consumer advice and keeps the brass off our backs."  
  
"Ah." They smoke in silence for a bit. "And what do _you _think?"  
  
James shrugs. "It's my main feature."  
  
And yes, that's true. While Jeremy and Andy try to spread out screen time, the Cool Wall is a very strong segment, takes up a lot of audience attention. And, well, the News. Even though James participates nicely, it's Jeremy and Richard’s clowning around that defines it.   
  
If James loses Insider Dealing… it would be disastrous to the balance.   
  
"And what do _you_ think, Jeremy?"   
  
Jeremy unexpectedly finds himself pinned by a steel-blue gaze. The sudden change from shy to scrutinizing leaves him almost dizzy.  
  
His reply would have been different ten minutes ago.  
  
"I'm with Andy," he says. _And with you_, he doesn't say. "For now. We'll see about next series."   
  
James breaks eye contact, looks at the tips of his shoes. "Maybe I could do it with you instead of Richard?"   
  
Jeremy turns around, crosses to the railing on the opposite side of the platform and looks out over the city shrouded in morning fog.  
  
"No."   
  
Jeremy and Richard have the Cool Wall. Jeremy and James do most of the links. James and Richard need a feature. Besides, Jeremy doing Insider Dealing with Jason hadn't gone down very well at all.  
  
"But Richard…"   
  
"Richard will have to suck it up for the greater good." Jeremy says vehemently.   
  
"...Jeremy. Richard liked Jason a lot."   
  
Jeremy inhales deeply. Blows the smoke out through his nose.   
  
It's too early for this shit.   
  
"We all liked Jason a lot. He's a good bloke." He turns around, leans against the railing. James really needs to grow his hair longer if he wants to keep on trying to hide behind it. "We like _you_ better."   
  
"But Jason..."   
  
"That includes Hammond."  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
The tension in the air when they get back to the office is so thick and heavy, you could cut it with a knife.   
  
Richard is in his chair. Andy is sitting on the table top one desk over, glowering at him. Their Top Of The Pop-office mates have retreated to the furthest corner of the room.   
  
James avoids eye contact with both, beelines to his own desk and gets busy organising his paperclips according to size. Jeremy, on the other hand, meets Andy's eyes head-on. Andy rolls them, indicates his office with a minute jerk of his head and disappears into it.   
  
Jeremy hesitates, unsure if an intervention is needed, but Richard is already on his feet.   
  
"Sorry mate," he says, coming to a stop in front of James' desk. He sounds it. "Let's get that script together then, shall we?"   
  
Jeremy waits for James to stop sorting through his clips, to nod and scoot over, making room for Richard to pull up a chair beside him, before he follows Andy into the office.   
  
"Do we have a problem?" he asks, after making sure the door is firmly shut.   
  
"Oh, several." Andy leans back in his chair. "But I reckon you're referring to that little episode just now?"   
  
"I thought they got on great!" Jeremy blurts, ignoring the rest of Andy's sentence for now.   
  
"They do, they do." Andy smiles fondly. "Richard gets on with just about everyone. He got on with Jason, too. And Insider Dealing was _their_ baby. Richard has a hard time adjusting to doing it with someone else, plus he thinks it's unfair to Jason." He sighs. "You know as well as I do that it doesn't work as well as it worked with Jason. But we'll keep it for the time being. James won't have enough screen time, else. Don't worry, Jez, they'll handle it."  
  
_'Handle it_,' Jeremy thinks. _'Handle it_ simply isn't good enough.' He thinks back over the last two episodes, an uneasy feeling building in the pit of his stomach.   
  
"Do they work on screen? You know, the way Richard and I did from the beginning?"   
  
Andy laughs. "No one works on screen the way you and Richard do, Jez. That was the find of the century."  
  
"Okay. Like me and James, then? Because we work, on screen, James and I, don't we?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, you do. And no, they're not quite there yet. But they'll get there. I'm not worried about them. We've got bigger problems than that."  
  
"Bigger problems than our on-screen chemistry?"   
  
"Well, see, Perry's making noises about wanting to be credited as the Stig again…"   
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
"Do you actually only own the one suit?" Jeremy asks, sitting next to James in makeup.   
  
Shandra is trying to conceal the ever-present shadows under Jeremy's eyes and Mariah is messing with James' hair. Richard is in front of the mirror, applying a smidge of eyeliner himself. He's rather quickly gotten over the whole "that would be too camp" business and is now mostly responsible for his own styling, tackling it with the same enthusiasm he tackles everything from writing scripts to driving a supercar.   
  
"I wore a different one last week, in case you didn't notice." James sneezes from the hairspray fumes, accidentally shaking out his hair, only to be tutted at by Mariah and have applied even more. Jeremy wishes she'd leave it alone. The slightly shaggy, flyaway look suits James so much better.   
  
"You're aware you're not actually required to wear a suit, right?"   
  
James smirks at Richard's oversized flowery shirt. "I'm on grown-up telly now. I'm trying to look the part."  
  
Richard turns around, the ridiculous look of one plain and one make-uped eye comically enhanced by his wide-eyed indignation. "Who you calling a grown-up, mate?"   
  
Jeremy and James dissolve into laughter, messing up a good bit of the make-up team's efforts again.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
It's the hour between setting up the studio (Jeremy refuses to call it rehearsal, they are more spontaneous than that) and filming.   
  
James has gone outside to make a phone call, Richard is leafing through an AutoTrader and Jeremy is sipping his tea, studying him.   
  
"What?" Richard finally snaps, throwing down the magazine.   
  
Jeremy contemplates him for a while longer.   
  
"Is there a problem between you and James?"   
  
Richard stares at him. "_You_ are asking me that? _You_? After I spent half of pre-season-planning on the phone with him trying to convince him you don't hate him? After you almost made him quit just before we started filming the first episode?"   
  
Jeremy is stunned into silence.   
  
Richard sighs. "Sorry, it's… Look. I know how to take you. James sometimes doesn't. I think you intimidate him a little. But on screen, you work brilliantly together. You just need to get more comfortable with each other off screen and I'd be grateful if that happened sooner rather than later."  
  
Jeremy wants to protest, but Richard raises his hand, stops him.   
  
"As for him and me: exactly the opposite. He's a mate. We get on brilliantly. But on screen, we don't work. Well, we _would_ work. It's that cocking Insider Dealing bullshit that doesn't work."   
  
Jeremy opens his mouth, not quite sure what it is he wants to say, but he's interrupted by the rattling sound of steps on the metal stairs outside.   
  
"It'll be fine," Richard hurries to say, and then James is back, flopping into the chair and looking suspiciously from one to the other.   
  
"Alright, mate?" Richard asks and Jeremy takes a hasty sip from his tea, trying to collect himself. Chokes and coughs.   
  
James eyes him, clearly aware something's up, clearly unsure as to what to do about it. Clearly decides to ignore it.   
  
"Depends," he says. "I thought now that I'm a presenter in an actual car show on actual telly, I might finally get a tour of the Bristol Cars showroom. Been wanting to do that for ages."   
  
"But?" Richard prompts when James trails off.   
  
James blinks. "They just called. Said I'm not allowed to even set foot in it. "  
  
"Why?" Jeremy asks.  
  
"Because I know, and associate with, Jeremy Clarkson."   
  
Momentary silence.  
  
Then Richard falls howling off the sofa.   
  
Jeremy chokes again, but from laughter this time.   
  
James looks bemused for a moment before he, too, bursts into laughter.   
  
And, with sudden clarity, Jeremy realises that he hasn't heard James genuinely laugh before. He may have been amused before, he may have had fun. But the wheezing, braying noises he produces now speak of utter abandon and are nothing like what Jeremy has ever heard or would have expected of the quiet man.   
  
Jeremy immediately decides he wants more of it. _A lot more_.   
  
"Whatever have you _done_, Clarkson?" Richard is lying on the floor, gasping for air. "What have you done _now_ to piss off a pillar of the British Motoring Industry so much they won't even let _James_ in?"   
  
"I have no idea," Jeremy manages between bouts of laughter, "I genuinely have no idea, I'm not even sure I ever drove a Bristol!"   
  
"You have to…" Richard wheezes, still flat on his back on the floor, jabbing a finger in James' direction. "You have to tell that story in the News, mate. You _have to_!"   
  
"Yes." Jeremy wipes his eyes with the back of his hand, still chuckling. "God, yes May, can you do that?"   
  
"I think so…" James isn't much better off, still panting for breath, his hair sticking up every which way because he's apparently completely incapable of keeping his hands out of it when he's trying to pull himself together. Jeremy finds it enormously endearing. "I think I have a factsheet for the new Bristol Fighter in my bag, I'm sure I can do something with that!"  
  
Richard suddenly sits up and Jeremy becomes aware of Richard Porter in the doorway, coming to get them for filming.   
  
They all sober up pretty quickly.   
  
Porter rolls his eyes. "Looks like we need another round in makeup." His voice sounds exasperated, but there's a small smile playing around his lips.   
  
Jeremy extends a hand, hauls Richard to his feet, shoves him out of the door and together they follow Porter over to the studio.   
  
“I think we should all chip in for a cleaning lady, that portacabin needs it.” James indicates Richard’s back. The light-blue flowery shirt is unforgiving.   
  
“What?” Richard asks when they start sniggering. Then realises what they are sniggering about and they watch him for quite a while performing contortions and amusing little jumps trying to dust off his own back until Jeremy takes mercy on him, grabs him and holds him still while patting him down roughly. He can’t resist a final slap to the backside and Richard’s indignant squeak sends all of them, including Porter, into another round of hysterics.   
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
The VTs are very good. Jeremy literally throws an audience member out of the studio for saying the Vauxhall V8 220 is the worst car ever. David Soul breaks both the reasonably priced car and the backup reasonably priced car. Jeremy sews a pair of trousers to make a point about the Z8 Alpina.  
  
Insider Dealing is a trainwreck.   
  
James shoves the factsheet of the Bristol Fighter under Jeremy's nose just before the News starts and Jeremy gives him a thumbs up. Has a sudden flashback to Richard saying James isn't comfortable around him and mutters "you are allowed to insult me, you know that, right?" just before Andy motions him onto the stage and into the camera's focus.   
  
James brings up the Fighter after Jeremy and Richard have finished drooling over the new Porsche Carrera. Some quick-witted assistant has even managed to put a picture on the studio screen.   
  
This one is completely unscripted.   
  
James reads facts off the dog-eared print-out he’d had in his bag, Jeremy wracks his brain for facts to make it a dialogue.   
  
“That’s the same engine they put in the Dodge Viper, isn’t it?”   
  
“Essentially yes! Well, actually no… well it’s _essentially _the same but it actually develops more power in the Bristol.”  
  
James looks confused for a moment but Jeremy’s next question is already out: “How come?”   
  
James shrugs, scans the factsheet, utterly puzzled. “I don’t know.” His eyes land on something.   
  
“Mahogany crankshaft,” he deadpans.   
  
There’s a bit of cockney slang sexual innuendo after that, which Richard picks up on and reacts to before Jeremy does, and really, James _can_ match their ad-libbing step for step.   
  
It’s beautiful.   
  
"I quite like Bristols. And now I live about a mile and a half from the Bristol showroom, which is the _only _Bristol showroom in the world, and I thought I’m gonna go there and finally I’m going to drive a Bristol - and they wouldn’t even let me in the showroom! And do you know why?"   
  
James glares accusingly at Jeremy.   
  
“Why?” Jeremy asks.   
  
James points at him: “Because I know _you... _You git," he adds after a second, a little put on, but it's a start.   
  
“Yeah, I can explain!”  
  
James and Richard both look surprised, but Jeremy has suddenly remembered how he’d once, a long time ago, likened the handle that you pull the glovebox down with to his aunt Harriet’s 1940ies telephone. “That was it. ‘You’re banned, you’re never driving another Bristol!’”   
  
What he doesn't say, of course, is that it had been a pre-production model not meant for driving and much less for reviewing - which Jeremy, of course, had promptly done anyway.   
  
Both, the driving and the reviewing.  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
"I've had an idea," Jeremy says, when he and Andy are in the edit suite, both scowling at Insider Dealing and wondering how to save it.   
  
"Oh, no, please not," Andy says half-heartedly, replaying the bit with the one-pound-Kia and taking notes.   
  
"Yes, listen to me, Andrew. Are you listening?"   
  
Andy sighs and pauses the tape. "Yes Jeremy, I'm listening."   
  
"The British summer holiday in a convertible we've got planned for Richard?… Let him and James film it together."   
  
"What?"   
  
"Yeah. I mean, look. They need screen time together away from Insider Dealing or Richard is going to explode. Which will help no one. We need confirmation that they work together as well as we think they do. Plus, it could add some extra laughs. They are both incredibly funny, I think we should let them loose, unscripted. It might work. And if not, you can still edit it into something that works. You're good like that."  
  
"You already had me at 'let them film it together', Jez," Andy grins. "No need to spread it on. It's a brilliant idea!"   
  
Jeremy beams.   
  
Richard almost hugs him when he makes the suggestion.   
  
James smiles softly, and Jeremy's heart soars.   
  
  



	15. S02E04 - the one with the Jaguars (and Jeremy's big stress test)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All is not well behind the scenes of TopGear. Tempers are running high. Jeremy is confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long hiatus! But rest assured, this story is far from abandoned :-)
> 
> (Insider Dealing seemed particularly forced to me in this episode... I'd be really grateful if Richard started talking to James instead of the camera some time soon...)

“You’re an arse, Jez.”  
  
Jeremy, startled by Andy’s voice close to his ear, drops the pen he’d been tapping against his lips.   
  
“One of epic proportions, I might add.”  
  
“What?” Jeremy snaps, glancing at the clock on the wall. Fuck, he must have been staring at James and Richard working on their convertible piece for the best part of half an hour.  
  
“You know exactly what,” Andy says, hitching himself up onto Jeremy’s desk. “We wanted them to work together better and now you’re jealous.”  
  
“Am not.”   
  
“Are, too.”  
  
Jeremy feels transported back to their Repton days. This could go on for hours. Andy isn't wrong. Although it's more the utter contrast to having watched them work on Insider Dealing together earlier this morning that's keeping Jeremy mesmerised right now. Still. Not wrong. He sighs. “Stop being like that, Andy. You’re worse than my wife.”  
  
“Being like what?”  
  
“Psychic.”  
  
Andy huffs. “Sorry I know you so well, Jezza.” He slides off the desk, circles Jeremy’s chair. “You can't hiii-ide”, he singsongs into Jeremy’s other ear before walking away, cackling.   
  
Jeremy watches him go, a fond smile quirking his lips. It’s annoying sometimes, to be so easily seen through. Even worse if the person who does it is your mate, rather than, say, your wife. On the other hand, he can’t help but find it comforting. He’ll never have to bother with keeping up a façade around Andy. Andy would never buy it.   
  
He sure hopes the façade holds around Richard and James, though.   
  
Jeremy plasters a smile on his face and walks over to them. “How's that script coming along, chaps?”  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
They’d all been looking forward to filming the Jaguar-themed episode. Jag makes beautiful cars. It’s one of the few things they agree on.   
  
James starts with a little history piece. He'd been thrilled about doing it, about getting to dive into the origins of a classic British car make. He'd known a lot off the top of his head, but had done an inordinate amount of additional research, writing the whole segment. Jeremy and Richard's parts included. Jeremy's boredom at being regaled with ancient Jag-stories for hours on end had been mostly put on. James had flourished in the task, a so far unseen enthusiasm sparking from within. Jeremy had found it as enlightening as it was endearing and only regretted they'd had to keep the piece so short.   
  
James had been even more thrilled when they'd found him a 1953 C-type to ride in. Not drive himself, unfortunately. The owner had been very strict about only giving it to the Stig.   
  
It hadn't curbed James' enthusiasm one bit.   
  
He’d been surprisingly tight-lipped about it afterwards, though.  
  
Watching the Stig thrashing it around the circuit while James is trying to do a piece to camera in his ridiculous brown suit, Jeremy now understands why.   
  
“I bet you puked,” he whispers to James, who’s standing next to him while the film runs on the big studio screens.  
  
James looks deeply offended. “The car that makes me puke hasn’t been invented yet, Clarkson.”  
  
Jeremy glances at Richard, who grins. Grins back.  
  
Challenge accepted.   
  
Jeremy and Richard act out the legendary ‘53 Le Mans race: drunk driver, pit stop, bird in the face. Bloody Nora, Richard is _such _a good story-teller. It sounds not the least bit rehearsed.  
  
This is followed by Richard's Mark 2-piece, also written by James. And then back to the studio for some more Jeremy/Richard banter.  
  
“There’s nothing more sinister than a black XJR,” Jeremy says. “Hannibal Lector had one.”  
  
“And he _was _sinister.” Richard agrees.  
  
“And _I_ had one.”  
  
“But you’re _quite _sinister.”  
  
Jeremy snorts. Richard has this amazing ability to make things sound so much funnier in front of a camera than it looks on a script. It brings out Jeremy’s competitive streak like nothing else, and he throws Richard briefly with a little unscripted addition to the robbery gag. It’s funny to watch how it takes Richard exactly one and a half seconds to catch up before he interrupts himself with a laugh and has to start his sentence over. Twice.  
  
That’s the secret, Jeremy muses, while Richard leads over to the News. The fact that they are actually _listening _to what the other says, even when they think they know.   
  
Plus the trying to get one over each other, of course.   
  
The News goes very well. It’s hardly even noteworthy anymore these days, is it? It's gone well ever since James joined them. Richard and Jeremy rib each other, James holds his own with funny interjections and comical long-suffering eye-rolls.  
  
“Go on, tell the nice ladies and gentlemen what happened!” Jeremy teases Richard about his crashing of the Ferrari F360.  
  
“Well, I was going ‘round the corner and then the next minute I went ‘round lots and lots of corners very quickly…”  
  
Jeremy laughs, suppressing the memory of that heart-stopping moment when Andy had called with the words “Richard crashed the Ferrari, mate.” Nothing bad had happened. Richard is a very good driver and had skilfully caught the car and brought it to a semi-controlled crash into the tyres without doing himself any harm. The Ferrari, though… Jeremy is going to have to cough up for the repair himself. The BBC would probably axe them on the spot if they knew they’d had an actual accident of that scale while filming. Which is why they'd sworn the crew to secrecy and had destroyed the tape. Mentioning it here is risky, but they can brush it off as a little joke about Richard spinning the car. No one needs to know the real extent of it.  
  
Boris Johnson is today’s SIARPC and the interview starts a bit slow. Jeremy is already working on cutting it short, getting a last dig in about Johnson having been papped talking on a mobile phone while riding a bicycle.   
  
“Why shouldn’t you?” Johnson asks.   
  
“Because you can’t reach the breaks!” It's about the only thing Jeremy knows about bicycles, really. You move with your feet and break with your hands.   
  
“But you can, with one hand! - Wait… are you saying that a person with only one arm isn’t allowed to ride a bicycle?”  
  
Jeremy honestly has to work through that logic in his mind for a moment, giving Johnson an opening for some nonsensical political babbling. He catches himself quickly, but it gets even weirder after that.   
  
“Are you allowed to say that on telly?” Johnson asks when Jeremy admits to occasionally driving in bus lanes. “I _defy _the makers of TopGear to keep that admission in the final edit, how’s that for a challenge?” And Jeremy _knows_ Andy will do _just that_. Won't leave a call-out like that unanswered. Uh-oh. There’s gonna be hell to pay. And a lot of complaints to reply to.  
  
The Cool Wall is a little short today, what with only doing the Jaguars and mostly agreeing on those. For the first time, James joins them for it. And Jeremy can’t help but notice how conscious Richard is of him, their interactions feeling a little forced, both somehow using Jeremy as a buffer. At least Jeremy is reasonably sure no one but him will notice.  
  
“Now then, Hammond!” James leads into the transition, and oh no, it’s time for the dreaded Insider Dealing. It's like a chill descending over the studio, Jeremy forced to helplessly watch from the sidelines. James is does his best, but Richard still mostly delivers his lines to the camera instead of engaging in an actual conversation. It's overscripted and stilted. And it sounds _very_ rehearsed. Jeremy can barely watch.  
  
It's like Richard is two different people when presenting with James versus presenting with Jeremy.  
  
At least they hardly need any retakes. Jeremy can’t but marvel at James’ ability to reliably remember all the details he has to rattle out.   
  
They finish with Jeremy gushing about the Aston Martin DB7 GT, and then they are off.   
  
Jeremy can't help but be glad it's over.  
  
Richard ducks away from under his congratulatory backslap and makes a beeline for the portacabin.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
"Richard, will you loosen the fuck up, it hurts my eyes to watch you!" Andy barks, stepping into the portacabin where they are ridding themselves of their sound equipment. It's not a sentence Jeremy expected to hear about Richard but it's – if a little overstated – not entirely untrue. "You're stiff as a poker when you're on camera with James, get the fuck over it."   
  
It's admittedly a little harsh, but Jeremy recognises a stressed Andy when he sees one and knows it's best to keep his mouth shut.  
  
Richard blushes an interesting shade of indignation-paired-with-embarrassment crimson.  
  
And with sudden clarity Jeremy sees it.   
  
James ducks his head, hair still far from long enough to fall into his face. "It's not Richard's fault…"   
  
Richard is at his throat immediately, James a convenient target for his own frustration. "And who else's fault would it be then, James, huh? Do me a favour and shut up, I don't need you to stand up for me!” He whirls around, eyes blazing. “That goes for all of you! I _know_ I fucked up, so just _shut the fuck up_!" He slams his gear down on the table and strorms out.   
  
And yes. Jeremy has just had an epiphany completely at odds with his usual lack of perception.  
  
Richard has a tendency, a _talent_, really, of matching people, meeting them at eye-level. Especially when filming. The immediate rapport he and Jeremy had had during the audition, Richard matching Jeremy's banter step for step. He’s able to assess people in seconds and follow their lead, enhancing their positive traits. Jeremy remembers Jason, the grannies, the politicians…. Yes, even Jeremy himself is better with Richard at his side. Which then reflects back on Richard himself, boosting his own strengths.   
  
It's a huge asset.   
  
Which for some reason proves detrimental to him when presenting with James.   
  
Jeremy suspects this is the first time that talent has ever failed him.  
  
Is it because Richard is trying to take James' lead and play off him, when what James really needs is to be led – and someone to play off of himself? Which – Jeremy provides.  
  
"Well_, bugger_," Jeremy says with feeling. Because this? This isn't easily fixed.  
  
"He's a great presenter," James says, sounding a little desperate.   
  
"Do you think I don't know that??" Jeremy snaps, shaken by his recent revelation.   
  
James looks up, meeting Jeremy's eyes with a defiant glint. "I think it's him or me, mate, and it should be him. You two work so much better without me."  
  
"What the fuck, May?" Jeremy explodes. It's his fight-or-flight response. His 'I-don't-see-a-solution-and-it-scares-me' response. "You chickening out after just four episodes? Even Jason lasted longer than that!"  
  
Andy steps between them. "Sod off, Jez."  
  
Jeremy wants to protest, wants to point out it was Andy who started this, wants to fight, wants to blow off steam. But he doesn't know at whom, much less what about, and so he does as he's told.   
  
Richard is on the far side of the portacabin, out of the wind, smoking furiously. Jeremy joins him, lighting a cigarette of his own.   
  
"Why can't you two just work together _on_ screen like you do _off_ it? I saw you working on the convertible piece earlier this week, two peas in a bloody pod!"   
  
"We just don't, okay? Stop trying to bloody force it and bugger off."  
  
“Don’t be a drama queen, Hammond, it wasn’t that bad.”  
  
Richard vigorously stomps out the butt, turns towards Jeremy. There's a wild look in his eyes. Mixed with something almost like fear. "I was wrong, Jez. It's not just Insider Dealing. And it won't be fine. We won't be able to fix this. I think you've got to choose. Him or me."   
  
Jeremy snorts. It's such an absurd idea. "No, Rich."  
  
Tempers are running high right now. Richard is frustrated. Andy is pissed off. James is an insecure wreck. Jeremy is at a loss. That freaking convertible filming can't come soon enough. It's gonna make a difference.   
  
It _has_ to make a difference.   
  
Jeremy isn't going to choose. _He is not._  
  
He holds Richard's eyes. "Never." Stubs out his cigarette and stands up straight. "Sorry, mate, but you have no options. Make it work."   
  
He walks away, feeling Richard's eyes boring into his back all the way to the parking area.  
  
  
  
  
  



	16. S02E05 - the one with the car in a kitchen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A tumbledown house full of old motorbikes.

"Have you ever questioned our assumption that we need three presenters?"   
  
Jeremy swivels around from where he's been staring after Richard, who'd just stormed out of one of the focus rooms.  
  
As a matter of fact: yes, he has. "No," he says firmly.  
  
"Good." Andy says just as firmly.  
  
James emerges from the same focus room. Sees them standing there. "I need...” He gestures vaguely. “I'm going for a walk."  
  
Jeremy and Andy look at each other.  
  
"May!"   
  
James is already halfway down the corridor when Jeremy catches up with him. "Do you want me to do anything? Like, I don’t know. Talk to him?"   
  
James gives him a sideways look, not breaking stride. "I can fight my own battles, Clarkson."  
  
"I know, I…" It shouldn't be a battle though, should it? "Is there _anything_ I can do to help?"  
  
James stops. Turns to him. "You could present Insider Dealing with me?"  
  
Jeremy is silent. He and Andy had been over that possibility again, after last week's disastrous segment. It wouldn't solve the problem. Quite the contrary, it might make things worse, make it blatantly obvious that all is not well.   
  
Besides, it's not a good segment for Jeremy. Far too factual.  
  
James nods. "Thought so. Alternatively, you could bugger off, because I really need some time alone."   
  
"Yeah, sure." Jeremy claps James' shoulder in what he hopes is a supportive gesture.   
  
James flinches hard before catching himself. He gives Jeremy a forced smile and walks on.   
  
"May!"  
  
James turns around once more.  
  
"I'm not letting you go, you know that, right? You’re part of this programme and you’re here to stay."  
  
James sighs, but the smile is a little more genuine now. "Yeah. And god only knows why, Clarkson."  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
"Is there any reason for needing three presenters?" Brindley asks, after a delegation of BBC executives is done chewing Jeremy and Andy out for pretty much all of the Boris Johnson interview as well as the "spinning of a Ferrari”-incident. Obviously everyone has kept their mouths shut about the true severity of it. Small mercies.  
  
"We're not getting rid of James!"  
  
Brindley sighs. "We weren't thinking of Mr May, Mr Clarkson."  
  
Jeremy gets up and walks out without a word.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Never has the lead-up to a studio-filming been so tense.   
  
Richard is subdued all week, despite Andy’s apology. James compensates by being over-eager. They both avoid each other except for the writing of Insider Dealing. Which results in them both walking out on each other multiple times, but Jeremy’s offer to help is refused.   
  
Jeremy opens the show by himself. Richard explains oversteer versus understeer, eliciting a couple of laughs from the audience, but it’s a lame start.  
  
They roll Jeremy’s 911 VT and James joins him for the interlude. It’s better now, the show is getting into its stride. Not least of all because this week it was Jeremy who spun a car (without doing it or himself any damage whatsoever, so that’s an improvement), which makes for good mocking.   
  
It’s followed by the film about Robert, the chap who built a car in his kitchen – and then realised he couldn’t get it out through the door. Which is a hilarious story and presented in a fabulous and unusually understated fashion by Richard.   
  
So far so good.   
  
Ann Robinson is the Star In The Reasonably Priced Car and she and Jeremy immediately get into a sparring match over whose Mercedes SL model is superior.  
  
“So what you’re saying is, our car has a smaller penis than your car, Jeremy?”   
  
“... … ... Yeah.”  
  
“To be fair, don’t you find a really joyful thing – about both the cars – is that when you’re stuck in a traffic jam, isn’t it great fun to watch the telly?”  
  
Jeremy grinds his teeth. She knows it. She knows exactly what she’s doing. It would have been a couple thousand bucks extra and Jeremy couldn’t have had both, the faster 55-model _and_ the television. He’d already had to sell another car to be able to afford it. “I haven’t had the television installed.”  
  
“Ooooh, noooo, you don’t have a television in yours!?!”  
  
The woman is awesome. Jeremy is having a blast.   
  
“What guys should do, if they want to pull a girl: they need to go out with a guy who’s very talkative, very showy, very flash – and just say nothing. That’s the best way to pull a girl.”  
  
Huh. That's… is that so? “That would explain _everything_ for all of my friends.”   
  
Oh yes, Jeremy adores her and he tells her so.   
  
Richard focuses mainly on Jeremy during the News, almost cancelling out James. It’s another one of those subtle things Jeremy is pretty sure the viewers won’t even notice. But James does, and he counterbalances by leaning in so much he’s almost sitting on the arm of Richard’s chair. Bloody hell, what’s happening, the News has been a completely unproblematic segment until now!  
  
“What have _you_ got, James?” Jeremy asks, realising James won’t just butt in today and he has to give him an actual opening to talk about the Volvo. And finally, finally, James relaxes somewhat.  
  
And then.   
  
_And then. _  
  
Richard and Jeremy are discussing manly cars and if a middle aged bloke with a paunch (yes, that’s Jeremy) can drive a car with the roof down, or if it just looks ridiculous. And that’s when James steps in.   
  
“This is quite honestly, the biggest load of b… I mean ‘linguistic twaddle’... I’ve ever heard in all my five weeks in television!" He turns to the audience. “These two are not men, okay?”  
  
Jeremy is already laughing. They’d planned on James defending convertibles for the transition to his next VT, had run through a couple of options with James agreeing to pick the one that seems most fitting at the time. This isn’t any of those. Jeremy doesn’t know where this is coming from, he doesn't know where it’s going, he knows it’s quite possibly James trying to make up for his lack of three-way banter time, but he’s already loving it.   
  
“This one here, Richard Hammond: every morning, he sticks his head into a bucket of hair product. He’s got a dog, but it’s a poodle.” James sounds a little breathless, like he always does when he’s improvising and nervous about it. Jeremy cheers him on inwardly, laughing along on the outward. “And I don’t know what _you_ are laughing about, Clarkson. Because you won’t drink brown beer and… and this is the man that says 'flatulence, ugh, it’s not funny' when clearly it is!”  
  
Richard is giggling, wiping his eyes even, and Jeremy can see he wants to barge in but he gives him a warning glance and sure enough, James isn’t done yet.  
  
“I am actually the only real bloke on this programme, because I live in a tumbledown house full of old motorbikes. And _I_ think a bloke _can _drive a convertible!”  
  
It’s not quite the intro they’d planned for James’ Triumph TR6 segment.   
  
It’s much, much better.  
  
And oh god, James doing a feature about a convertible_ in the rain_ must be one of the funnier pieces they’ve had on the show so far.  
  
The ending of it leads directly into the beginning of Insider Dealing with James telling Richard about how he'd tried to find a used Triumph he could afford on Autotrader – and that’s a genius move. It’s very personal, making it seem much more relaxed. They are off to a good start and it sets a completely different tone for the whole segment.  
  
It’s still far from perfect but it's so much better than last week's. Jeremy and Andy exchange a glance. It’s James, Jeremy is sure of it. It’s James having taken charge, leading, which enables Richard to do his thing, in turn giving James opportunities to employ his dry humour.   
  
Last week he’d hardly looked at James, which had been dreadful. This week, he hardly remembers to look at the camera now and again. Which is also not ideal and makes Andy and Brian fidget, but Jeremy prefers it to the alternative. By miles.   
  
“Men should go out with men!” Jeremy declares on impulse when he and Richard start the Cool Wall.  
  
“Uhm, now you’re making me nervous,” Richard says, and Jeremy hurries to move them on. He briefly wonders if Richard even remembers.   
  
Jeremy’s bisexuality has never come up again.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
"This was a good one, and we're going to celebrate. Non-negotiable," Jeremy announces after Andy lets them go.  
  
James looks a little uncomfortable, but doesn't argue. Richard looks relieved.   
  
They meet up in a pub back in London with most of the crew, and all the tension, all the problems, are soon forgotten. They laugh, they joke, they drink, James and Richard play darts, Jeremy commentates, they talk bollocks. They laugh some more.   
  
The crew bids off one by one, until eventually it's just the three of them tucked into a booth in the corner.  
  
"I really like you," Richard is telling James when Jeremy comes back from the bar and sets down a new round of beers on the table. Richard’s eyes are glazed and unfocused and he's slurring his words, whereas Jeremy feels only slightly tipsy and James seems entirely unaffected. He's either gotten a couple extra rounds of G&T into himself when no one was looking or he seriously needs to build up a bit of a tolerance. "I really, really like you. Why doesn't it work with the two of us?"  
  
He slides closer on the wooden bench, half-snuggling up against James’ arm.  
  
James blinks at Jeremy. Jeremy grins, slides into the seat opposite them and leans back to enjoy the show.  
  
"You _do_ know I like you, James, don't you?"  
  
James tries to keep him at a semblance of a distance with a single outstretched index finger. "Yes, Hammond, I know."  
  
Undeterred by the finger poking his chest and ribs, Richard snuggles even closer.  
  
"And do _you_ like _me_? A teeny tinsy bit at least?" He’s in full kicked-puppy-mode. Jeremy takes a sip of his beer, chuckling at James' bemused expression.  
  
"Well, what's not to like? You're crowding my personal space, your breath smells of alcohol and you're slobbering all over one of the only two suit jackets I own."  
  
"Aaaaw. You're mean.” Richard pouts. “I just want you to know I like you."

His hand comes up, trying to pat James' hair.  
  
"Alright, enough!" James gets up abruptly, making Richard lose his balance. He steadies him before he falls off the bench, though. "Time to get this one into the bed in my spare room, before he propositions me. Can you let Mindy know where he is, Jez? I'm going to call for a taxi."  
  
Jeremy and Richard are left staring at each other across the table in astonishment.  
  
It's the first time James has called Jeremy anything other than ‘Clarkson’ or the occasional ‘Jeremy’.  
  
"I get to go home with James?" Richard whispers eventually, sounding awed. "I get to see his tumbledown house full of old motorbikes?"  
  
"He must be fond of Hamsters."   
  
James has been very protective of his privacy so far. They've all been to Jeremy's, Richard has invited them out to the country multiple times (not that they've taken him up on it). But James, so far, has made no move to let either of them into his supposed bachelor pad. Hell, Jeremy hardly knows where he lives, let alone how. Today, in the show, on camera, had been the first time James had given them any clue.  
  
Jeremy finishes his beer and grabs Richard by the elbow, helping him stand.   
  
"The thing about him liking you? I think that’s your answer right here."  
  
  
  



End file.
